woman with bow and arrow

October 2023 Quote: Out of Your Hands, Free From Your Mind

Posted on by Emily Oehler1 Comment on October 2023 Quote: Out of Your Hands, Free From Your Mind

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For October 2023 my quote was “If it’s out of your hands, it deserves to be out of your mind, too.”  

October marks my new year, as it’s my birthday month. Over the years I’ve gotten more and more intentional about what I do in this month… specifically what tone do I want to set for my next year. This year it began with a two-day mindful leader summit filled with educational content and lots of meditation practices. It closed with a Lord of the Rings costume party at a horse farm in Tennessee with my extended family. In between were compelling conversations, long hugs, big laughs, hard tears, and introspection. Here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention along the way:

  • It’s weird, it’s human, it’s inexplicable
  • Sparring with uncertainty
  • What messages came back to you?
  • Be in the mystery of it
  • With anticipation
  • Tune into your bold
  • The strength of one resolute soul can become the strength of many
  • Could we shut out the background noise and remember our truth?
  • It broke me and I asked my soul to lead
  • Energy follows thought
  • We all must choose our path in life, but let us also strew that path with flowers
  • I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be
  • Forever evolving
  • Soul whispers
  • Then I put on my crown of joy
  • Spread your arms and hold your breath; Always trust your cape
  • Drink like a pirate and dance like a mermaid
  • Your dream is the plan
  • Forget about enlightenment – sit down wherever you are and listen to the wind singing in your veins
  • You are what you practice
  • Drop our roots deep to rise high
  • Wait in faith for just a moment
  • Rip up the script and make magic
  • She used her heart as a compass

Near the end of the month, I sat on the interstate going 5mph for about 45 minutes. I had been cruising at top speed with the sunroof open, crisp air swirling, as I sang loud to my playlist. The slow-down, slowed all of me down. I turned off the tunes and took some deep breaths. I then got a chuckle as I looked to my right and there were two tractor trailers pulling double cabs of porta potties – about 80 toilets in total. Here I am in a mindful moment, being fully present, with thoughts swirling in my head, and I’m surrounded by poop potties. The Universe is always good to show us our place and provide a humbling laugh. Perhaps those poop potties were where I needed to dump my ruminating thoughts.

Then a call came in from a college friend. “Happy early birthday… what is your intention for the year?” Ooof, big question to which I didn’t have an answer and didn’t want to toss one out flippantly. I told her of my current view and that I better wait for more scenic inspiration. The joy-filled call ended, and I eased along down the road with her question on my mind, and Tracy Chapman’s poignant tunes in the background as the sun set.

The result… connection. I realized that throughout the month, what I unknowingly laid out, were moments of connection. Connection to the quiet nooks and crannies inside myself. Connection to loved ones. Connection to fun. Connection to possibilities.

Here’s to my next year and the connections to come.

dark strom clouds and orange umbrella

September 2023 Quote: Both a Masterpiece and a Work in Progress

Posted on by Emily OehlerLeave a Comment on September 2023 Quote: Both a Masterpiece and a Work in Progress

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote that calls to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For September 2023, my quote was “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.”  

September marks a new year for me. Even now, I cannot shake the back-to-school, new season vibe. There is the call of the Siren for new office supplies … oh how I love new notebooks and pens, and long to wrap my books in paper bag covers that I doodle on all year long. There is getting “back to it” after the calm, playfulness of summer. There is an energetic shift felt as the crisp air whispers, “quick, winter is on its way.”

Yet, I found myself lingering a bit this September. Hesitant to jump all in. Savoring the last of the extended sunny days and laziness of vacation. It was this juxtaposition between “go, go, go” and “be, be, be” that I found myself throughout the month. I moved through it in a whirlwind interrupted by sporadic, abrupt pauses. Here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that caught my attention along the way:

  • Don’t ever let them tell you who you are
  • Before 50, you’re paid for what you do; after 50 for what you know
  • Volcanic clarity that comes when you speak from the absolute center of your being
  • Whenever I surrender, everything expands
  • Discomfort is a teacher
  • Every process differs, trust yours
  • Communal energy
  • No amount of worry will give you back even 2 hours
  • My validation came from inside
  • You take what you have and you march it forward
  • I had to become more comfortably afraid
  • Rest in it
  • Change is made of miracles in the mundane
  • Do it like your hair is on fire
  • Collude against illusion
  • The only thing different between crazy and courage is a plan
  • Take time to absorb

My “masterpiece” moments showed up when I facilitated a dynamic client meeting that generated client accolades; released a new blog to which a reader shared, “I love it when another golden acorn drops;” coached someone who wrote, “I really appreciate you helping me… You’re so, so good at this;” delivered a prayer at a complex church meeting and afterward a pastor said it was an “art form;” and when I opened my network to a co-worker for help she emailed me, “you are the beset and always seem to make things perfect in the world. Thank you.”

My “work in progress” kept me in a frantic state spinning. Mistakes made. Calls missed. Fitness skipped. Connection overlooked. Fun delayed. Sugar eaten. Veggies missed. To do’s not done. Absently present.

Most people only share their or see other’s curated masterpieces. For me, the work in progress – while often done privately and in intimate ways – is most meaningful when shared.

I got empathy from a new client when I revealed a private stressor in my life. I got access to an expert when I expressed my confusion on a project. I got a much needed hug at 8pm one night from a life-long friend who worked around my crazy calendar to see me. I got to participate in a class with a thought leader when I shared a personal career goal – for free! I got unexpected medical care for a loved one when I shared we had hit a wall. I got a new walking buddy when I re-connected with a neighbor.

Each time I revealed my works in progress (struggles, insecurities, concerns) … a masterpiece of support appeared. All of which made the issue easier to handle and work on together. My works in progress were someone else’s masterpiece moments, and I’m grateful they shared them with me.  

Here’s to creating together.

toddler wearing a cowboy hat on a play horse

7 Approaches for Purposeful Event Design & Facilitation

Posted on by Emily OehlerLeave a Comment on 7 Approaches for Purposeful Event Design & Facilitation

As a consultant I treat the work my clients trust me with as a gift. They trust me with their hardest problems, their personal vulnerabilities, and their dreams. I try to handle each one as a sacred heirloom. My goal is to help take something that is fragile (from newness or fear) and make it sturdy and long-lasting. In this work, I find several things the most precious to be trusted with: ghostwriting, media preparation, and facilitation. Today, I’m going to share about facilitation as I’ve had more inquiries about it lately from clients, peers, and mentees alike.

I think facilitation is precious because of the power a dynamic event or meeting can generate. The endorphins from an inspiring collaborative session. The access to a national expert to inform or change thinking. The new ways to approach a problem and/or work with a team. Basically, a well-designed and thoughtfully facilitated event can crank folks up for good or squash their spirits.

At this point in my career, I have spent thousands of hours facilitating – from a planning session with a small non-profit to 300+ person multi-day offsites for the federal government. Through these sessions, I’ve come to rely on seven things that help me design and facilitate sessions that client and participant alike rate highly. I thought it would be helpful to explain them within the context of a national childcare care summit I did this month. Here we go…

Start at the end.

I do not do any work on an event until the client clearly and specifically answers this question: “When the event (meeting, offsite, session) is over, what three things do you want to have occur and/or have in hand?” I get this answer to be as precise and granular as possible. For the child summit, it began as “get recommendations” and ended up as “two recommendations from each group which address the what, the why, and the how for one single thing.” The preciseness enabled me to create a breakout session that was (1) interactive, (2) contained quite time for personal reflection, (3) templates to capture all the discussion and additional recommendations, and (4) targeted prioritized recommendations.

Think wholistic.

While each event has a desired outcome, it’s not just about the work. It’s about how the whole experience enables the outcome to occur. It’s for this reason I ask each client, “How will you know the event was successful… what will you feel, hear, and see?” This is an activity in visualization which helps everyone begin to see the event together. It’s important to give the client time to think about this and let their vision occur – in other words, don’t pounce on them with “would you like…” questions. After all facilitating is about making space for ideas. For this event the client wanted a casual environment that helped people of various backgrounds and titles feel equal and empowered to share their ideas. This resulted in name tags with only a person’s first name, a commitment (see next item) that focused on getting everyone’s input, and breakout room facilitators prepped to reduce dominant voices and amplify others.

Commit to common behavior.

Many facilitators call these “norms.” But after thousands of hours facilitating, there is nothing normal about how groups come together, and some things that are perceived to be a “norm” is not a typical group dynamic based on their organization or team. So, I recently changed to offering “commitments.” This is how we will commit to work together in this space in community… and after I presented them (reading them as I statements) I asked the childcare summit group to give me a resounding “wooo hooo!” to show their commitment. For this event it was, “I commit to…”:

  • Quiet my technology and be present
  • Focus on overarching issues and solutions (verbal side note – this isn’t about your personal problems)
  • Listen to learn and speak to educate
  • Seek out input from every participant
  • Use “yes, and…” when I respond to build stronger recommendation (verbal note: no one can respond with no or yes, but…)
  • Create singularly focused recommendations

Think about the participant.

So often facilitators get caught up on the client and their needs. It’s important to always ask yourself, “Would I like to attend and participate in this event?” or “How would I feel about spending # hours of my time in this way?” So many planning sessions and events I attend are geared to auditory learners (lots of time listening) and external processors (also known as extroverts who think with their mouths). It’s important to have something for every type of adult learner.

For the childcare summit I included the following:  visual learners got some PowerPoint slides, written instructions, and a worksheet to follow; kinesthetic learners got fillable worksheets; auditory learners got speeches and verbal instructions; Linguistic learners had interactive group discussions; Logical learners got a three-step process in the workgroups and polling data. Intrapersonal learners (introverts) got several reflective quite times built into the plenary session and workgroups. Interpersonal (extroverts) had social breaks and collaborative work sessions. Everyone had one or two ways to function in their preferred learning environment which helped them be better contributors to the purpose at hand.

Also, always do a walkthrough of the event… from opening the email or invite the night before, to transportation, registration, seating, heating/air conditioning, time to move between sessions, bathrooms, and more. Move like they would, look around, and think about the problems they might run into, questions they might have, or tools they might need in order to get and be there in a calm and productive state. For this event, the walk through resulted in a few more pre-event logistical emails, event signage, escorts through the large building, pre-ordered lunch options, and more microphones.

Oh, and speaking of microphones… never let a speaker convince you they don’t need one due to their loud voice. A mic is not for them – it’s for the participants; many of whom have hearing deficits which you won’t know about. If they cannot hear they cannot learn, think, or contribute to your work at hand.

Make it appropriate.

From your ice breaker to your activities, everything should align to the topic and add to participant’s connection to the cause or work. For example, at one two-day planning session on rural health, I had enormous photos of rural images from across the United State literally wallpaper the room. Anywhere someone sat or worked in a group it was like they were looking out a massive window at a tranquil rural vista. This relaxed participants, made the internal windowless conference room less morbid, and reminded folks why they were in the room.

For the childcare summit, playfulness was appropriate. Preschoolers learn so much through games, imagination, art, and song. I wanted participants to reconnect with their inner child. I opened with a mindful meditation on nine photos of different clouds (with the guidance that the day was for “blue sky thinking”) and folks picked which cloud best represented their mood. I made mention of daydreaming, stretching for dodgeball at recess, and sang part of “where is thumbpkin.” I also had the room play Simon Says as part of a mid-day knowledge check. In small groups, participants used this model to introduce themselves: (1) say their first name, (2) explain what they did for a living to a five-year-old, and (3) share their favorite children’s book, song, or movie. Each small element generated a more playful – child-like – session and it showed up in the participant’s energy. In case you’re wondering, “I’m Emily. I get folks to think about and do things using words and pictures, and my favorite children’s book is Dandelion.”

Also, I created a day-off event text for the four-person client team, myself, and two teammates so we could easily stay in touch and make adjustments. To set the tone for the day, I kicked off the text stream with the photo on this blog of me as a toddler “rearing to go” on my favorite bouncy horse pony toy, with the reminder to keep our “child-like wonder and enthusiasm throughout the day.”

Center yourself.

While the client itsthinking about the event and outcomes and staff/team are working on logistics… you need to work on yourself. What do you need to be successful in the moment? I found that a detailed facilitation guide is a must have. It’s less a guide and more like a full out play script of things I might say or questions I might use. I found that when I write it all out by time slot, that I can find :

  • Areas that feel bumpy which makes me re-explore them for a new solution
  • Areas that are too wordy that I need to rethink, cut, or put on a screen or pre-read
  • Areas that are stagnant due to too much listening or not enough movement, and redesign them
  • Areas where I don’t have the right tools or set up in the room which I resolve
  • Areas where I didn’t allocate enough time and rejigger the agenda

Creating it and practicing with it also helps me internalize the flow and instructions so I can be more present and responsive in the moment. I think less about what I have to do, and more about what I need to do when I’m at the event interacting with participants comments, fears, confusion, and ideas.

This guide also helps me show the game day event very clearly to the client as a final check that we’re on the same page. I always include the caveat that is a starting place for me and that I will, at some point, leave the guide which means my words will change or even a planned activity because it’s about being fully present in the group and responding to the needs in the room… but always with the clear understanding of the three things that must be in hand at the end of it all.

I also found I need to block off 1 hour each day the week leading into the group to truly get my head in the game. I do this by visualizing, reviewing the script, and prepping my outfit which impacts my mood, motion, and success. I also dedicate half of the day before the event to do a full mental walkthrough of the entire event and practice my parts, especially how to pronounce names. On the day of, I pack a bag of water and protein-based snacks with some chocolate, get there before the team for quite time in the space, and try to have time alone at lunch to recenter. Finally, I block the day or weekend after for quite time as my introvert battery is depleted.

Get feedback.

It’s important to understand how it all came together to help your client get necessary resources, to understand how participants valued the time they gave to the work, and to grow as a facilitator—from what you design to how you deliver it day of. This can be as simple as a +/- on an easel pad to capture “what worked” and “what needs improvement.” It can be five rated questions emailed the day after the event so folks have time to process the experience. Or in the case of the childcare summit, we did a few polling questions – from questions with a 6-point scale (6=outstanding, 1=lacking), to forced choice questions (pick the one from a list), or build a word cloud (we used mentimeter website), such as “one word that describes your experience at the event.”

I also like to do a post-event “hot wash” where we capture what was great, what worked good enough, what didn’t work (and how to fix it), and what was missing. I always directly ask about my job as a facilitator – either in a formal event assessment, to some participants, or with the client; as everyone has a different perspective and helpful input.

Finally, if you’re looking to learn more about facilitating these are my go-to recommendations: 

  • Whole Mind Facilitation by Eric Meade … he and I have facilitated at various times together for a decade and each time I learn something new from the collaboration.
  • The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker … it covers all kinds of events from national conferences to dinner parties, and how to make them intimate, compelling, and creative.

 Good luck out there, and please share your facilitation lessons learned!

Books – September 2023

Posted on by Emily OehlerLeave a Comment on Books – September 2023

Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom by Rick Hanson, PhD with Richard Mendius, MD

I intentionally got this book for vacation thanks to the recommendation by Kristen Lisanti, a mindful coach and agent for change. As a certified workplace mindfulness facilitator, I know the benefit of mindfulness – “having good control over your attention” or put another way, “when your attention is steady, so is your mind.” This book offers simple content, scientific validation, and personal practices to change your brain because “what flows through your mind sculpts your brain.”

With the continued frenetic pace of corporate America, I think it’s important for leaders (anyone at any level) to understand the science of the brain and how you can work to adjust how it works in your favor. Basically, “attention is like a spotlight, and what it illuminates streams into your mind and shapes your brain.” Rick does a great job breaking down how the brain works at various levels to show just how much of our perception, thinking, and responses are literally hardwired through evolution and brain wiring. Our brains control us through:

  • Its built in “negativity bias” that primes you for avoidance
  • How it processes stress to set  you up for fear and anger
  • Its need to chase, understand, and control the past to avoid manage change in the future
  • Its preference to find, register, store, recall and react to unpleasant experiences, even if there are more positive ones

Thinking about Maya Angelou’s quote, “when you know better, you do better,” this book will help readers move from automation to intention through a few practices (all free!) that improves the function of our three pound brain muscle.

A jarring concept for me was “nothing left out” and how when we frame someone as “us” or “they” – our brain automatically devalues anyone who is not “us.” That it takes significant attention to focus on how we are alike to override the brain. Just think about this from the lens of organization culture, system development, DEIA initiatives, politics, religion, and community development.

The science in the book also showed how simple brain improvement can be. “Oxygen is to the nervous system what gasoline is to your car.” You see, while your brain is just 2% of your body weight, it uses roughly 20% of your oxygen. So, simply taking several deep breathes you increase oxygen in your blood which revs up your brain. So, with this in mind, take a deep breath and start working on your brain.

Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End by Atul Gawande

Everyone should read this book. Better yet, every family should read this book together and talk about it. As a preacher’s kid and preacher’s sister, I am keenly aware of death – anticipated and tragic. Add to that my experience of working with the Army’s Casualty and Mortuary Affairs division with families of the fallen during the war in Iraq/Afghanistan. Death comes. This book – read wonderfully and personally by the author – is an intimate look at how medicine, doctors, retirement living, and hospice look at and address dying. This is not about the moment of death but the slow demise of our body and mind as we age, and ways to think about living in that state for a longer period of time as more folks live into and beyond 80. The author shares some compelling data but it’s largely a book of family stories through his work and research as a physician. Each story gives the reader an opportunity to reflect on what they might want for themselves (have you told your loved ones or put it in writing?) or how they might need to rethink their parent’s or loved one’s aging is being handled now. While any book on dying has hard moments, the book focuses on compassion and has hope… and offers empowering choices for a critical time in all of our lives.

Adversity for Sale (Ya Gotta Believe) by Jay “Jeezy” Jenkins

I love listening to people read their autobiography. Hearing their voice share their story adds a texture and connection — and makes it more personal. The gravel and grit in Jeezy‘s (Jay Jenkins) voice adds a whole other dimension as he told his story. I had no clue about Jeezy’s drug dealer days or music when I downloaded the book. He – and “trap music” – were a total unknown. Listening to the book opened up a whole other world, to say the least. In between movie like situations as a drug dealer in Atlanta spending $60,000 or more a night in cash at a favorite strip club with endless Cristal champagne, he shared great nuggets such as “my word is my bond,” following your own path, value of loyalty, stepping away to check in with yourself before you make a rash decision, the power of a network, and how personal health impacts your success. He shared a life of juxtaposition – from the hustle, guns, and “auntie moms” to the purpose we all share to “love and learn” and please to reach out for help to prevent suicide. What’s also impressive to think about, as he mentioned at the start, is he’s the third generation from slaves. Three generations from slavery to life in the “hood” to a net worth of $15M as a multi-platinum selling musician.

Shark Heart: A Love Story by Emly Habeck

This was a spontaneous grab at the local bookstore at Sunset Beach, NC, Pelican Books. It is a small but mighty bookstore with a little bit of everything. Everyone in my family can find something anytime we go. This book was showcased as an independent pick, and how can you not grab a love story to read on the beach about newlyweds… especially when the husband transforms into a great white shark? I wasn’t sure if this was a literal or figurative transformation which enticed me even more. It’s a creative book that drew me in and kept me captivated. I don’t want to talk too much about the plot or book structure so you can experience it as I did – diving in fresh. I will share it’s about transformation at every level… and the magnitude of it all kind of sneaks up on you at the end.

The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Practice to Success that Feeds – Not Crushes – Your Soul by Brad Stulberg

I listened to this book while walking on the beach. The sensation of sand between my toes and the powerful waves crashing nearby added to the concept of groundedness. Brad uses stories, data, and practices to offer ways to be more mindful about how you show up as a person and leader.

He covers the principles of groundedness and how to bring them to life:  accept where you are to get where you want to go; be present so you can own your attention and energy; be patient and you’ll get there faster; embrace vulnerability to develop genuine strength and confidence; build deep community; and move your body to ground your mind.

I found his principles – and how to embody them – practical. I’ll also add that practical is anything but simple as I’ve worked on many of these over the years. I do know, however, that trying and retrying each one is well worth the benefit.

A few phrases I took away from this book:

  • If you’re lonely at the top you’re doing it wrong
  • Separate signal from noise
  • The goal is to give an honest effort
  • Productive activity not productivity
  • Habit energy
  • You don’t become what you think, you become what you do
  • You’ll be pulling weeds and planting flowers in the garden of your mind
  • Sacred practices
  • Less candy; more nourishment
  • Touching bliss
  • Don’t just do something, stand there
  • Seeing and letting go

And, I leave you with this data point:  Research shows a 10% drop in IQ due to multitasking. So “quality of your attention” matters.

Happy reading.

sunrise at the beach on the water

August 2023 Quote: Refresh

Posted on by Emily OehlerLeave a Comment on August 2023 Quote: Refresh

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For July 2023 my quote was simply one word:  refresh.  

Typically, the quotes for each month find me. I see something, take a photo, and when the new month starts, I scroll through them, and one causes me to linger. That’s it. For August, I didn’t look for a quote but rather set an intention. I wanted refresh at the center of my month in every way. Here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention during the month:

  • Don’t just do something, stand there
  • Sacred practices
  • Worry was the mental echo of fear
  • With gratitude, optimism is sustainable
  • Seeing and letting go… seeing and letting be
  • Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needed – everything I do is stitched with it’s color
  • Life is now
  • Don’t just follow something, advance it
  • Touching bliss
  • Habit energy
  • Focus on what matters and motivates you
  • Don’t talk about it, be about it
  • Hyper distraction
  • Productive activity not productivity
  • Less candy, more nourishment
  • A created future holds more possibility than a default future
  • Faith lived in the darkest rooms
  • Run with a relaxed mind
  • Without great solitude, no serious work is possible
  • The world is full of magic things patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper

I spent three weeks of August at the beach in a cottage we’ve rented for 20 years for our family vacation. It feels like a second home with the bonus of a massive front porch with rocking chairs that face the sunset. Obviously, a great place to focus on refresh, along with the red beach umbrella where I observe, read, and nap for hours protected from the aggressive sun I crave but fries me to a pink crisp in just a few minutes.

I tried something new for vacation this year. Two weeks working half-days and one week off. This helped me ease into vacation, be present for my family, and be fully unplugged. When the sunny and sand-filled time was over, here are the nine things I learned:

1. Words matter … checking emails on vacation means you’re at work, not on vacation. Working part time (with a precise out of office message) set clear boundaries for team, clients, and myself. This model also helped me close out a few key things important to me and be fully present on vacation.

2. Being gone and offline is good for my team. It showed me where to stay out of their way when I returned cause things progressed fine in my absence and where to mentor staff a bit more.

3. A lot of meetings don’t matter because they are simply habitual exchanges of information without intention. Working 50% made me very intentional about what I attended and attended to. I got a lot done with 70% fewer meetings.

4. Quiet time (in large chunks) generates all kinds of fresh thoughts and ideas. A mindful walk on the beach. Sunrises and sunsets. Cloud gazing. Open time = open mind.

5. Reading books – any kind – on a porch should be required each day … and every office and school should have a reading room with rocking chairs.

6. A large puzzle is an intense mindfulness practice. It’s like yoga … I can’t focus on anything else when doing one.

7. Naps are delightful… as is daily ice cream.

8. Nature is a powerful muscle relaxer.

9. Doing nothing is everything.

I also realized how hard wired I was “to do.” Upon reflection there was a bit of “habit energy” detox that occurred as I stayed offline, didn’t do the “should a” things, and was just in the present moment. I think this extended separation in a relaxing place gave me time and space to reset. To find refresh in my sense of time (less frantic, more calm). To find refresh in my choices (less must do, more here and now). To find refresh in my body (less tense energy, more big easy breaths).

After coming back to reality and working for the last week of August in the city, I found this vacation model has the lasting benefit of what I call “beach brain.” Thinking that is more breezy. Laughter that sits at the surface. Worries that wash away more quickly. A calm I carry with me.

A calm put to the test the day after getting home with a water leak in the kitchen… which led to removal of everything under the sink… which led to five repairman visits… which led to no cooking for a week… which led to removing everything out of our refrigerator/freezer to move it… which led to me be more at ease with it, rather than against it in search of control.

Ahhhh yes…. lasting refreshment of my soul.

Book in my lap

Books – August 2023

Posted on by Emily OehlerLeave a Comment on Books – August 2023

How the Word is Passed: A Reckoning with the History of Slavery Across America by Clint Smith

I picked up this book thanks to a gift card to a local bookstore that my church gave me for serving on a committee for six years. A fitting book topic as Westminster Presbyterian Church has actively sought to better understand racism and racial constructs in community together over the past several years, and how we as individuals of faith must address it. While I saw the awards earned on the cover, it was an item on the back cover that confirmed this book selection. The author graduated from Davidson College, where my father, uncle, and cousin graduated—and another uncle graduated from and became Director Emeritus of the college library.  

This is a must read book along with Caste as I think they both help to educate white folks struggling to understand, process, and address the systemic nature of racism in the United States … and both do so gently with facts and stories that gracefully and at times shockingly reframe what we thought we knew. Clint’s book showed me just how much of our past is written, taught, and shared through gapped-filled nostalgia rather than facts. He also elevated the impact of unspoken truths: an unhealthy country.

His book is a tour of key historical locations and conversations he had there. Some places I’d visited and seen very differently years ago and others new to me which I questioned how the hell did I knot know about them – especially having grown up in the south near them. The memories his grandparents shared in the Epilogue put a much needed current face to the historic locations and stories he shared.

After visiting Blandford Cemetery, which I’d never heard of, he wrote, “I am left wondering if we are all just patchworks of the stories we’ve been told. What would it take – what does it take – for you to confront a false history even if it means shattering the stories you have been told throughout your life? Even if it means having to fundamentally re-examine who you are and who your family has been? Just because something is difficult to accept doesn’t mean you should refuse to accept it. Just because someone tells you a story doesn’t make the story true.”

The book shows how vulnerable we are to gap-filled history, sentimentality, and untaught facts. “This history of slavery is the history of the United States. It was not peripheral to our founding; it was central to it. It is not irrelevant to our contemporary society; it created it. This history is in our soil, it’s in our policies, and it must, too, be in our memories.”

One phrase, “there was history, but also silence,” stopped my reading. I think so many of us are silent due to fear, awkwardness, and ignorance. We need to have brave conversations. To seek to understand, listen to learn, and grow in awareness. Only then can our history be addressed together in community for healing and progress for all.

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga      

While the title might make you bristle the content will help you truly connect. Connect to others through service. Connect to happiness through contribution. Connect to life through courage. The book, which lays out the concepts of Adlerian psychology, is a conversation between an old philosopher and a young man. Through their discussion real life examples bring simple yet complex concepts to life. There is a lot to absorb and process in the book as much of it feels counter to today’s live big, climb the ladder, influencer driven society. The concepts are so simple, bold, and comforting. Comforting in that they are doable and come from within—we decide, we take action. The book also reframed the perspective that life happens to us—this was my past, so I’m stuck with it. The power it instills in a person is refreshing. A few quotes that caught my attention:

  • We are not living our lives to satisfy others
  • Be in use to others
  • Happiness is the feeling of contribution  
  • The courage to be normal
  • Life is a series of moments, each called now
  • Live earnestly here and now
  • You are the only one who can assign meaning to your life
  • As long as you are dancing you will get somewhere

I recommend this book if you’re stuck in the past, feeling ground down by others, need a re-set, got lost along your journey, want to be more authentic in your life, or seek a better now. Why? Because, as the author wrote, “The life that lies ahead of you is a complete blank page and there are no tracks laid for you to follow—there is no story there.”

The Memo by Minda Harts

The Memo caught my eye on LinkedIn when I saw a photo of two older white men in a diner, each holding a copy of one of Mindy’s two books. The arrived with curiosity and left as allies, or as Mindy suggests (and I love), “success partners” for brown and black women in the workplace. Reading this book via Audible made it more personal. It wasn’t just an informative book, but a personal “here’s how you do it” exchange with data, revealing stories, and practical techniques. All brought to life with razer sharp song lyrics to sear in the knowledge and vibe. Candidly, I already knew, do, and share her tips about how to get in and then move to the table. But reading it, had me question, “how did I ‘automatically’ know these things (e.g., office politics, networking, “squad” of experts and allies, executive communications, negotiating)?” and “How can I be even more intentional to this with my work community?” Another poignant part of the book is the fragmentation of brown and black women from “women” in research, and especially the pay gap. I know words matter, and “women make X% less than male counterparts” is not a single data point. Minda brough home for me how we need to use the full spectrum of financial pay discrepancies and not the white female number. I encourage any young professional to read this book as it’s 100% on point—she lays out, in clear actionable ways, the steps to the unspoken corporate advancement playbook. To my white peers in management, please read this book to understand. Because as Maya Angelo said, “when you know better you can do better.”

Boundaries for Leaders by Henry Cloud

I enjoyed listening to this book as Henry’s enthusiastic read was motivational, but I also wish I had a hard copy to mark up and reference. It will be a go-to recommendation for me when folks ask, “what books do you recommend.” The title to me is a bit misleading in the sense of how I’ve traditionally thought about boundaries… but the book offers a fresh, 360 degree look at boundaries. Boundaries on how you think, address issues, develop teams, stay focused, and more. The books laid out a easy to digest format:  here is something that greatly impacts a leader’s impact or outcomes, here is why it’s important to focus on, here are common pitfalls, and here is a way to do it better and set up a boundary to not fall into unproductive habits or common traps—plus a real life story to help anchor it. A core phrase I walk away with is, “you’re ridiculously in charge.” Something so simple and so powerful. I think we forget as individuals just how much control we have in a system and solving for an issue. A few other nuggets that I texted to myself while walking and listening are:

  • Concentrate on what you can control and watch out for yours and other’s pessimistic thinking – it’s all about optimism
  • Be more intentional about team meetings to get more strategic and bottom line value out of them – stop the rote round robin status meetings!
  • Culture is essential, especially one grounded in trust
  • Be clear on your focus areas and accountability
  • Attend to what is vital and conduct a “time audit” to see if you are in fact spending the most time that
  • Get real about how much you lead yourself or are led by others
  • Nothing can happen without a high-performing team
  • Lead in a way that creates greatness in others
  • You create what you allow.

Happy reading.

two flamingos

July 2023 Quote: Live Loud Enough in Your Heart

Posted on by Emily OehlerLeave a Comment on July 2023 Quote: Live Loud Enough in Your Heart

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For July 2023 my quote was “live loud enough in your heart and there is no need to speak.”  

I write this blog in my mother’s home sanctuary. I sit here in her backyard at 6am among the chatter of various birds, soft chilled air, and touch of emerging light. While the day comes alive, a stillness surrounds me. I am aware of a connection to more, to a whole of which I am one piece. I welcome the gentleness of the day’s start as I think about the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention during the month:

  • Opportunity did not knock until I built the door
  • Allow don’t push
  • Practice creates the person who owns the thing
  • This is it, dammit
  • Your mission is waiting on you
  • Time runs out
  • Laughter is the carbonated holiness
  • Do what is vital
  • Some people are soul medicine in the way they love you, support you, and believe in you always
  • Your future self is not someone you become – it’s someone you choose to be
  • Follow your soul, it knows the way
  • What is essential is invisible to the eye
  • The meaning of life is to give live meaning

I felt July. It was a lot to feel. The emotional pendulum swung big – from pure glee laughing uncontrollably as tears rolled down my face to the devastation of death as tears rolled down my face. Both a part of a life filled with dear friends.

In between these moments I had three poignant conversations that in hindsight were my own emotional fable like the Alchemist.

First, came preparation. A friend and mindfulness coach shared how she welcomes her emotions or rather gathers them together and talks to them. She brings them into the light to see what they are teaching her rather than keep them at bay wreaking havoc. Perhaps it’s because I’m in my mother’s space, that the analogy I give you for this comes from her days as an Executive Director of a child development center. Sing it with me now, “Where is thumpkin? Where is thumpkin?”  Call each emotion out, say hello, and put it away. My friend reminded me that emotions aren’t bad. They are information to listen to.

Then came reality. Another key conversation was with a friend who is training to be a death doula, someone who helps people prepare for and transition through death. In this call we dumped all the random things going on in life on the table so to speak. We gave our crazy stories to each other, the absurdity of them all, when combined together, led me to say, “Well, this is it. Dammit.” And she offered up it was a book title for both our lives at the moment. Life unvarnished. No filters. All in the open.

Finally, came acceptance. I closed the month with a role model—a spiritual, artistic, community leader. Our intimate conversation over breakfast was tender. From medical hardships of our loved ones to creative learning to our alma mater, we each shared and listened. There was no fixing or advice. Just space to simply be in life with another person. Together. I shared how the phrase “let it go” continues to show up in my life and she shared a phrase that helps her, “let it be.”

I am grateful for these conversations and these women both in moment and especially when I learned a long-time friend and Junior League of Northern Virginia volunteer died after a nearly two-year battle with stomach cancer. All the feels came when I learned her light was gone. It was too big for me to process. Like a short circuit of my system. Then I got to know my sadness and found out joy was there… joy of her smile, joy of her compassion, joy of her network, joy of her animal videos, joy of her faith, joy of her information, joy of her flamingos, joy of her being. As I struggled with the reality of her death, I discovered that her light was not in fact gone… that it was just disbursed into everyone who felt her joy. That we all carried her light forward, and this helped shift my sadness to possibility. How can I emanate more of JJ’s joy in the world?

Funny enough, as I come to the end of this piece, “Reveille” blarred full throttle from mega speakers at the nearby Air Force Base… time to live loud through our hearts!  

Black and white photo of a family

The Legacy of Your Origin Story

Posted on by Emily OehlerLeave a Comment on The Legacy of Your Origin Story

This week I spoke with a potential Board member for Living Vicky, of which I’m the Board of Director’s Chairperson. In our discussion, she asked, “What drew you to this mission (free career mentoring for women in the U.S.)?” It was the first time someone asked me that question in the two years I’ve been actively involved with the non-profit… and my answer rushed out of me like carbonated water after a bounce and the cap removed.

“I grew up hearing about the legacy of women in my family.”

I went on to explain how my parents and extended family shared wonderful stories of the impact the women in my family. From their careers and cooking to community service and church. They used their voice, their gifts, their pies, their stubbornness, their hearts, their business savvy, their network, and their faith to make the lives of those around them better.

Of my paternal grandmother, I love the story of how she strong-armed the local dentists to provide free services to children in her class at school who needed help but could not afford it. No, was not an answer she accepted. My maternal grandmother chose to be a youth advisor in the church as she aged to stay connected to the next generation. She also took homemade pies to anyone for any reason, good or bad. Then there were the memories of the 14 Reynolds sisters and their brother who vacationed at Myrtle Beach in a block of beach front houses that inspired my family’s annual beach vacation, or stories of their trips together around the world.

Core to every story was connection and community. Someone was always helping someone. They also didn’t wait for permission to act. Boldness, within a Southern exterior, ran through my female ancestor’s veins.

But these stories were not the singular cause of my call to mentor and advocate for women. They were compounded by the relentless support of my parents to claim and take my space in this world, however I was called to do so. I never felt the sentiment that I was a girl and had restrictions because of it. Rather it was the opposite… that I had female superpowers like my mom, grandmothers, aunts, and others in my family. I was destined to build on their legacy and tap into their essence that ran through my veins.

Compounding this were the tangential women in my life. Spunky female teachers (Ms. Moye, Mrs. Elder, Mrs. Foster Gearing, Mrs. Edwards), Sunday School teachers (Ms. Gentry, Ms. Smith, Ms. Welborn). Bosses (Ms. Stolov, COL Scotka). Volunteers (Ms. Adler, Ms. Berry, Ms. Leecy, Ms. Hashim). So many friends too. All of whom reinforced my legacy. From the standards they set, the conversation they shared, the wisdom they offered, the feedback they gave, the contacts they provided, and the encouragement they showered on me. The connection and community of boldness reinforced throughout my journey by so many women had to be paid back, or rather paid forward.

I lived into my legacy in a variety of ways. Some public and some personal. From the roles I took and the relationships I cultivated to the causes I supported and conversations I had – each time laying a brick for others to step on and upward from. Living into my legacy with intention includes:

The older I get the more grateful I am for what I now see as my origin story and the legacy I strive to live into and build upon. I also know how lucky I am to have a positive origin story as it’s easier for me to walk my path due to a foundation of empowerment.

I also appreciate that I know that it’s a story that I have the power to change at any time. The women in my legacy made it clear that there are many paths, and I am the only person who can set mine. It’s with this knowledge that I strive to help other women reclaim their origin story or redefine their legacy.

I encourage folks to understand your origin…. claim what you want…. discard what doesn’t serve you…. and define the legacy you want to leave on your own terms. What formed your core internal story? What plays in your head from your childhood or past that is no longer true? What is the origin story of the you that is now? What is your legacy? How will you live into it?

After all, it is your own story to tell.

Executive Presence is Being Present

Posted on by Emily Oehler2 Comments on Executive Presence is Being Present

When you look at my resume it appears as if I had a master plan. Each job logically building on the next. A natural progression of skill and opportunity. But of all the things I’ve planned in my life, my career has not been one of them. And it took me until this week to be able to articulate how it all came about and came together.

This past Thursday I spoke on executive presence to the Guidehouse Young Professionals Group. The presentation I reviewed with the group’s leaders on Tuesday was fine, they said so. It was a holistic look at executive presence because I wanted folks to understand that executive presence wasn’t the well-spoken, charismatic white male executive stereotype. Then, the week unfolded and I ended up modifying my presentation the morning of the event.

My first clue to adjust my presentation was the feedback from the event leaders. “Fine.” They said it made sense and they’d heard some of this before. “It would be good for the group.” OK, this moment spoke to my ego. Fine and good are not what I strive for, especially with public speaking. So, I sat with their feedback.

My next clue came the next day. A former teammate reached out and asked me to speak on a panel about “consulting mindset” to small business leaders. He shared some of their struggles and asked if I would share my experiences, techniques, and lessons learned. I thought about the times where consulting seemed easy for me, where I struggled, and my core truths that served me well time and time again. When the panel ended, I came back to “fine” and “good” and sat with it in context of how I felt after the panel a bit hopped up on happy work memories.

My final clue came through a friend’s LinkedIn post. I follow a few leadership coaches for their expertise, insights into my own coaching practice, and motivation, and K.C. is one of them. I met him over a year ago at the Mindful Leader Summit. He posted about the importance of being present as a leader and pointed out the obvious:  presence is in the phrase executive presence. After I read his brief post, I felt an inner oooooohh come over me, and I sat with it.

Each time I noticed, accepted and sat with a clue. I was present, open, and curious. I didn’t try to solve what I sensed, I just kinda swirled it around like wine in a glass. Observing. Savoring. Consuming.

The next day it was all there for me. The “fine” and “good” was gone. The inspiration appeared in its place. I spent about 30 minutes adjusting my presentation and then practiced it a few times. Yes! This was the vibe I wanted. This was the story I sought to share along with the tools to bring it to life so each person could create their own executive presence. And the chat comments, emojis, and post-session emails from the 260+ attendees confirmed the value and impact of my altered presentation.

I shared with the young professions that:

  • Executive presence is about bring present
  • To have presence you need to be clear on who you are and the value you bring… and most importantly what is missing if you’re not in the room
  • To be invited to the table (job, project, team, conversation) you need to articulate your innate talents and acquired skills, so folks know when to call you or how to advocate for you
  • You can define your brand (what you want to be known for) but those who experience your thinking, words, attitude, and work determine your brand, so show up consistently in all ways
  • Every meeting, email, product, or conversation is an opportunity to be present and practice
  • It’s important to be present in your own way, with the hair, attire, and words that gives you confidence … and always remember if you can share information in a way that your mom or grandmother understand, you nailed it
  • We’re all “young” each time we learn a new skill, accept a new opportunity, or work with a new client – the uncertainty is there, the eagerness is there, and the space to start anew and practice is there

I was AUDITORILY PRESENT when I interviewed senior executives and felt the tingle of “the” soundbite to use in national news story. I was CURIOUSLY PRESENT when I stood in an operating room as globally renowned international radiologists walked me through a live procedure answering my questions so that I could translate it all to help patients make more informed decisions. I was EMOTIONALLY PRESENT when I worked with families of the fallen and took in the stories of their loved ones. I was METICIOUSLY PRESENT when I proofread material going out by federal agencies to millions of Americans to connect them to much needed services and support. I was INTERPERSONALLY PRESENT when I got to know various military generals in order to ghost write for them in such a way an employee talked to me about how great a blogger one of them was, then shared my own words back to me written under another’s name.

As I sat with it all this week, I realized that my ability to be present in the moment – with people, with my skills, with confusion, with my gut, with excitement, with my apprehension – is what created the dynamic career I’m so proud of and awe of…. as I never could have envisioned it when I was 25.

This week reminded me that while setting goals is good, setting intention for how you show up is more powerful. Being present lets you notice more, think more, connect more, and do more. It puts all of you in the moment with others and that, that is true executive presence.

June 2023 Quote: All For The Love Of You

Posted on by Emily Oehler1 Comment on June 2023 Quote: All For The Love Of You

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For June 2023 my quote was “all for the love of you.”  

I began this month with an introspective vibe for this quote. All up in my head as we introverts can be. I am grateful that I ended the month with an interpersonal perspective of these words. Here are quotes, lyics, and phrases that that caught my attention during the month:

  • Our fear is only darkness, which is the perfect test, contrast, and venue for our light
  • If not now, when?
  • Non-thinking reptilian brain
  • The mind chases while the heart grounds
  • A feisty blessing
  • Act on the knowledge you have until you have better knowledge
  • Don’t ignore the warning signs
  • Be ready to own your choices
  • Fuck comfort
  • Walk long enough and we all trade places
  • Ambition verses intention
  • You create what you allow
  • Meet what is, rather than what could be
  • What’s possible through me?
  • Never forget that justice is what love looks like in public
  • You’re ridiculously in charge
  • Relax into who I’ve always been
  • You don’t grow a plant by dipping it into dirt once a year, it needs to stay and grow roots
  • Prioritize the uniqueness that makes you you, and the invisible magnet that draws in other like-minded souls to dance in your orbit
  • The power of God powerfully moves between us unseen, only visible in the brief moments we are lighted – in those enlivened moments we know as love

There is research that shows what you think about helps you move to it—or attract it to you; perhaps it’s a bit of both. Well, this month, I felt the love.

My month kicked off with Day Breakers which I’d waited to do since learning about it during the COVID lockdown. I met a friend at the Kennedy Center’s outdoor park next to the Potomac River.  There, we joined more than 200 others, each wearing one color head to toe. I blue, she pink. Together we all looked like specs of a rainbow that has been scattered after a storm, reuniting to take full form again. We enjoyed one hour of yoga and then two hours dancing to a DJ. The yoga had me a bit worried as I hadn’t done any in 15 years. The practice was a graceful one – accepting what your body can do now rather than an aggressive stance of “do better.” At one point we came off our mats onto the grass to do a challenging pose balanced on one leg. The each person directed to put an arm around another’s shoulder. There we were, ring upon ring of people – in various colors – connected together. Steady as a collective verse wobbly alone.

The next weekend had me on the hill of my alma matter, Mary Baldwin College, for my 30th reunion. At first, the thought of my 30th reunion made me feel old, but I since realized that each decade, year, and moment of growing deserved a celebration … 30 years of a life well lived deserved gratitude for a place that transformed me. Three days with three besties sharing and laughing reminded me:

  • To cling to folks who get you
  • That our imaginations are not big enough for our potential
  • Silliness is good for the soul
  • Everyone is an artist in their own way

The weekend caused me to reflect on who I was when I was there – bold, bright eyed, and bushy tailed … who I am now, and who I want to continue to evolve into. The weekend brought me back to my core where I re-connected with spunk, creativity, confidence, wonder, forgiveness, and joy. Not that these had gone away, and more of a reminder that they are always with me and how easy it is to tap into them. Life had lodged them a bit deeper and now they were polished and prominent.

As I savored the celebration of my journey as an adult, I moved to the next weekend to celebrate the journey to come for my nephew as he graduated from high school. The energy in the room palpable. Hope and anticipation swirled in the air from the graduates and loved ones alike. Many conversations centered on “What are you doing next?” A question, I am learning with age and experience, that is dangerous and detrimental. It robs the person of the now, of the magic of being, of the possibilities they can’t imagine, and of the tiny voice in their soul that has ideas different than the norm. Perhaps at these milestone moments, the question could be “How would you like to be now?,” “What do you want to make sure the world has more of?,” or “What do you hope is in your life?” And, in case you’re wondering how we celebrated my nephew going off into his “next”… a family meal, axe throwing, and ice cream! They seemed to set the tone for life’s pending adventures.

The last weekend of the month ended at lunch with friends of 20+ years. The conversation different from chats over chips and salsas of days gone by. Work responsibilities, memory care units, and health issues – tempered with memories and long-standing jokes. Our waiter (whom we’ve followed to three restaurants) shared news about his colon cancer and successful surgery. Hugs by all.

I closed out my month with a thank you note. On Father’s Day, I received a truly empathic text from a long-time friend. She articulated things I had not and could not. I felt understood in a way that took me by surprise. Her words not only comforted but buoyed me. She didn’t try to fix anything or offer false platitudes. She acknowledged me. She saw me. She loved me. Several weeks later, I mailed her an “LGBTQILOVEU” card to close out Pride month. I expressed gratitude for her as best I could in hopes that she felt my acceptance as I had felt hers.

The month reminded me of all the ways love appears. The love of you as a person. The love of you as family. The love of you as friend. The love of you within community.

All for the love of you.