woman and man in chair

February 2024 Quote: Listen Closely to the Silence

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For February 2024 my quote was: “Listen closely to the silence. It’s the sound of everything working out.”  

February was complex. It was the first month after my father’s death. I was on the phone a lot saying, “I’m calling on behalf of my father who died.” His birthday was this month. It was the first month mom did not have her Valentine in 59 years of marriage. It was heart health month and mom is a 5-bypass survivor. Every emotion was present. I worked to compartmentalize them so I could work, address our “to do list,” and play as life goes on – but alas they were there. Lurking. Pouncing. At times immediate and at others, a rising tide or shadow. Throughout the month here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention:

  • The joy of living is still available to us
  • Rest is a sense of “possibilitivity”
  • You have to continue to show up
  • Let me keep company always with those who say “look!” and laugh in astonishment, and bow their heads
  • While we are trying to make sense of things, many we learn to make peace with things
  • We share this human experience of love and loss
  • You are not your worries
  • We cannot shame ourselves into change – we can only love ourselves into evolution
  • Grieve peacefully
  • See what shimmers amid the darkness, what endures within their dust
  • I hope I see you in my dreams tonight; Healthy, happy – and content in your new world
  • That will scorch us with its joy
  • Be with the mind as it is, and practice anyway
  • Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.
  • Sometimes, I see the moon in the middle of the day and know I am held by something so much larger than myself
  • The sacred work of grieving
  • I am
  • Sit here while I pray
  • The whispers were coming
  • To live these moments only you will live, and say thank you that you are the one they were offered to

This month was reflective, prayer-filled, and joyful… and along the way, I realized:

… grief is proportionate to love, and I am grateful for the massive love my father gave me my entire life.

… you cannot comprehend grief until you have it, and those who share their knowledge or simply sit with you in the emotional overload and unknown are superheroes

… life is about community, and I – and my family – have an incredible one with life-long friends, college roommates, church members, volunteer buddies, neighbors, and angels placed on our path for a point in time

… “doing” is a wonderful, needed distraction, and “being” fully present, still, feeling, and reflecting is essential.

… laughter that builds from a giggle to tears is a magic elixir for anything

… grief is not about stopping but rather starting—an opportunity to seek, try, learn, and discover “next”

… pain is crushing alone, especially in the darkness of night, and 1am texts from a beloved night owl lights a path out of the loneliness

… there is no heavier weight to carry than your loved ones’ remains; it’s overpowering

… the mention of death really freaks a lot of people out – you can feel the awkwardness – and yet it is such a connectional experience we will all have

… art offers an emotional haven where the mind is still

… to never underestimate the comfort of a homemade casserole or soup, a strong bourbon, or a scoop of ice cream

… music in an on/off switch for emotions, especially church hymns

… nature knows and we need to visit it regularly

… prayer, ahhh prayer

Finally, I realized that the glimmer in my dad’s eye that so many commented on after his passing; his big smile and quick laugh; and his totally presence with all he encountered were due to his connection to death as a pastor. He knew our life is a God-given gift. A precious one filled with so many amazing people, sites, and experiences. He soaked up, celebrated, and praised them all. And this is what guides my grief and I carry forward.

man in glasses and woman

January 2024 Quote: Tension is Who You Think You Should Be. Relaxation is Who You Are.

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For January 2024 my quote was: “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”  

I love the start of something new. The fresh energy at the starting point. The contentment of getting organized and prepared. The hope for what is to come. Anticipation and trepidation swirled together in a delightful cocktail. This January, I got a different perspective. I saw the beauty of the end of something done amazingly well. This January, my father passed away after a decade of Alzheimer’s. Appreciation and loss raged in an emotional Tsunami. Throughout the month here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention:

  • We have magic to make
  • Sometimes just getting up and carrying on is a brave and meaningful act
  • Be exactly where you are and be grateful
  • My grief is tremendous but my love is bigger
  • Beloved is where we begin
  • He can hear your heart
  • Never wait to explore joy and open our arms to love
  • A perfectly imperfect bundle of curiosity, mayhem, and unintended bliss
  • Nourish and comfort
  • Misery might love company, but so does joy – and joy throws much better parties
  • Release the suck
  • It’s time for new
  • We’re all just walking each other home
  • Be at ease

January’s quote, picked unknowingly in December of what lay ahead, fit more than I could have predicted. As I abruptly stepped away from the tensions of work, community service, and the “shoulda’s,” and became emersed in the end of life of one of the two most influential people in my life. I relaxed into me. My focus no longer split or tied up in comparisons, but simplified into what was needed now, with him, for mom. My stress soared and prayers got longer; however, there was an undercurrent of ease. I faced the target in front of me without concern for image, “best practices,” or tradition. I let others step in to address the fray around me. The rest fell away.

Being fully myself in the moment let me experience it all, the fear and frantic to the tender and tears, and the magic and memories in between. And yes, the joy. The joy of sitting for hours holding his hand. The joy of his apology for being “a little shit” as I cleaned and dressed him. The joy of his rally and return of the sparkle in his eyes, interaction, and laughter. The joy of finding him pajamas with squirrels on them to keep him cozy. The joy of him looking at me directly in the eye after a squabble and declaring with resolution, “damn, you are just like me” – I beamed with pride and chuckled. The joy of the caregiver learning curve I had with mom and big laughs that resulted. The joy of seeing an expert, compassionate hospice team swoop in to care for him and support my mother gracefully. The joy of mom, dad, brother, and me all together in a quite prayer-filled moment the night before he died.

There is tension (maybe the better word is stress, worry, or overwhelm) that remains, but it centers on what to do next, not how to be. For that I will continue to look to my dad for guidance as explained in my eulogy at his funeral:

Over the past year staying at my parent’s house, I constantly replied to mom, “well, you know I am half you and half dad.” For which I’m grateful.

So now I will cry my emotions like mom and hopefully share the words like dad.

I will not tell you about who he was because you all knew. You knew from his words. You knew from his deeds. You knew from his faith-lived life.

Instead, I will share with you my last conversation with him. I awoke at 7am and listened to the baby monitor set up in his room. His breath clear and rhythmic. I did this often. Matching my breath to his to connect when words were not an option. Breathing together, in sync. Dad and Daddy’s Girl.

This time I noticed his cadence was different, quicker. I went to his room and listened more closely. I gave him his medication, and as the sun rose and warmed the sky, I leaned over and whispered in his ear, “be at ease.”

I went back to bed to get a little more rest. Twenty minutes later I woke up suddenly, listened to the monitor. Silence. He was gone. At peace.

So, in his honor, I give you this charge and meditation:  Be at ease.

May you be at ease in the life God created for you.

May you be at ease in your career and volunteering – sharing your gifts with your community.

May you be at ease in the relationships that surround you… or be at ease to leave them and find those where you can.

May you be at ease with those who are different… welcoming unique, confronting tradition, celebrating diversity.

May you be at ease with those in crisis… holding their hand, sitting in silence, handing them a hankie.

May you be at ease in a faith that can be hard to follow.

May you be at ease in mourning, knowing that the pain and tears come from love.

May you be at ease to use your voice to protect and advocate for those in fear, in loss, in turmoil, in sickness, in isolation, in discrimination, in loneliness, and in conflict.

May you be at ease to let your light shine… smile with ease, laugh with ease, hug with ease, compliment with ease, encourage with ease.

May you be at ease at the end of a good day with a bowl of ice cream.

May you be at ease to pray, sit, pray, listen, pray, and pray some more.

May you be at ease to savor the beauty of nature and the birds’ song.

May you be at ease knowing that our loved ones are all called home to be with God.

May you be at ease here today in a community of love.

May you be at ease.

May you be at ease.

May you be at ease.

Angel on a Christmas tree

December 2023 Quote: Intention

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For December 2023 my quote was actually a word:  Intention.  

Growing up as a preacher’s kid, December was always a big month. There was always a feeling of getting called up from the minor Leagues to play in the “big show.” This was the month when it all came together. Add to that the southern family tradition of all the baked goods, decorations, and visits with extended family. It’s always been a hustle and bustle month filled with moments of seasonal glitter. I love this month for all the special treats it offers, and also try to be clear about what really matters in this holy time laced with sugar, hence my quote being a single focusing word, intention. Throughout December here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention:

  • Our worth is not measured by the level of our exhaustion
  • I am the human version of tangled Christmas lights
  • In your silence you will see and hear what you need to create
  • Transformational leadership always begins within
  • You are a strong daughter of God with angels with you
  • I’m just another version of you
  • You are perfectly human, so you are perfectly imperfect
  • Between stimulus and response there is a space; In that space is our power to choose our response; In our response lies our growth and freedom
  • What havoc have you created today
  • A valiant effort is courageous
  • Perfect laughed at me, right in the face
  • The God of your heart
  • A space of clarity to trust yourself
  • Divine navigation system
  • It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye
  • Shine your power
  • Make friends with chaos
  • I had to come to a place I was meant to be

December brought with it many surprises – some delightful and others gut wrenching. None as I expected. My guiding word for the month made both better. Through intention I did what mattered most and what was most needed. Did my master monthly plan occur as I envisioned? Hell no. What did occur was both good and different, and that was OK. My heart grew with glee and sobbed in sadness, and that was OK. I dazzled on some days and limped through others, and that was OK. I held tight to the essentials and let the fray fall away, and that was OK. My intention kept me in the moment, fully present for it all, and that was more than OK – it was purposeful.

So as a new year starts, I encourage you to find your OK. And to help you on your journey, I share with you my family’s angel. She is dirty with unruly hair and missing a hand. Her wings cock-eyed but sturdy. She is a hard working angel with a big heart.

May you call on her…
– for relief
– for hope
– for comfort
– for inspiration
– for shelter
– for joy
– for kindness
– for community
– for health
– for fortitude
– for stability
– for confidence
– for recovery
– for possibilities
– for clarity
– for friendship
– for connection
– for love
– for faith
– for what lies protected in your heart that you wish to resolve this year.

May she help you find and be OK.

November 2023 Quote: Always Be on the Lookout for the Presence of Wonder

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For November 2023 my quote was “Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder.”  

Fall is my season. The crisp air. The wind gusts. The colorful leaves. They all re-fill my soul. My feet feel more rooted to the ground. I feel more present in my body. I seem to notice more details in the world around me. It’s all more vivid. It feels like a cross between the sensation Superman feels when he gets recharged by the sun after exposure to Kryptonite and the shift in Dorothy when she enters the technicolor world of Oz. As I soaked all this up in November here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention along the way:

  • One can only share what she has in plenty
  • I’m not afraid, I was born to do this
  • Be a voice not a echo
  • Life will always find ways for you to thrive
  • Her tears were the most healing waters of them all
  • Wisdom keepers in the shape of trees
  • The sand assures us change is inevitable
  • Nature is always present; it is us who are not
  • Drop our roots deep to rise high
  • Wait in faith for just a moment
  • She used her heart as a compass
  • It broke me and I asked my soul to lead
  • Hope is a practical way of life
  • Soul whispers
  • Seeing people with generous eyes
  • Hold on to the sense of possibility
  • Decide to rise
  • Soul rest
  • Freedom is not a state, it’s an act
  • Don’t you want to be alive before you die?
  • The impossible just takes a little longer
  • Ittibi oksifoshi’ ihoo chohmi! (Fight like a hatchet woman)
  • The body tells us what we need
  • Grief is love with nowhere to go
  • Relationships travel at the speed of vulnerability
  • Kaddish (holy; separate from the every day)

As a self-proclaimed communications geek I love words. Words can be so simple and yet make a huge impact. They can inspire, comfort, clarify, hurt, empower, and confuse. Words impact our whole being – head, heart, and body. We feel them and carry them with us. Words matter.

One of my favorite words is wonder, so much so that it was my word this year (some folks set a goal or intention, I pick a word to embrace). I wanted more wonder. More wide-eye child-like experiences. More connection to something beyond my reality. More time to literally wonder, think, and just be. More of what definitions use to describe wonder:  feeling of surprise mingled with admiration; caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable; something extraordinary.

In my heightened fall state, I realized that my life was indeed saturated in wonder… especially in the “extra-ordinary” moments.

Wonder wedged its way in as I stood and watched the orange sun push away the evening darkness.

Wonder erupted on a call with a group of professional women I chat with monthly through genuine conversations, heart-felt support, and big laughs.

Wonder delivered itself through a thoughtful piece of mail marked “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL THANKSGIVING!”

Wonder chimed in as I got my groove on and danced to a favorite tune as I made lunch in the middle of a hectic work day

Wonder came as I sat in my church’s tiny white chapel in silence before the service and the morning sun poured in on me through the window.

Wonder sparkled as I drove at 6am in the dark to make an appointment and holiday lights lit my way.

Wonder smacked me upside the head when a friend looked me in the eye and asked, “How are you taking care of yourself?”

Wonder got a voice when I chose to donate to a nonprofit that supports Native America women who experience violence at significantly higher rates than other Americans, as part of my annual “thank you” to my work team.

Wonder moved into my morning with a friend as we shared, vented, and laughed walking around the neighborhood.

Wonder appeared when a high school bestie brought her dad, daughter, and granddaughter over at 8:30pm to sing Happy Birthday to my mom and dole out hugs.

Wonder clicked its way in with a text of thanks from a former coworker.

Wonder came together as I finished knitting a baby blanked for a friend’s first child.

Wonder grew as I listened to a Rabbi explain Jewish prayer to a room full of captivated Presbyterians.

Wonder smelled of home when I made my grandmother’s family’s stuffing recipe for Thanksgiving.

Wonder fell as I watched the orange leaves continuously float in the breeze one morning, and dad commented, “look, it’s like orange snow.”

Actually, wonder was always there… I just took the time to notice it and soak it all in.

woman with bow and arrow

October 2023 Quote: Out of Your Hands, Free From Your Mind

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For October 2023 my quote was “If it’s out of your hands, it deserves to be out of your mind, too.”  

October marks my new year, as it’s my birthday month. Over the years I’ve gotten more and more intentional about what I do in this month… specifically what tone do I want to set for my next year. This year it began with a two-day mindful leader summit filled with educational content and lots of meditation practices. It closed with a Lord of the Rings costume party at a horse farm in Tennessee with my extended family. In between were compelling conversations, long hugs, big laughs, hard tears, and introspection. Here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention along the way:

  • It’s weird, it’s human, it’s inexplicable
  • Sparring with uncertainty
  • What messages came back to you?
  • Be in the mystery of it
  • With anticipation
  • Tune into your bold
  • The strength of one resolute soul can become the strength of many
  • Could we shut out the background noise and remember our truth?
  • It broke me and I asked my soul to lead
  • Energy follows thought
  • We all must choose our path in life, but let us also strew that path with flowers
  • I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be
  • Forever evolving
  • Soul whispers
  • Then I put on my crown of joy
  • Spread your arms and hold your breath; Always trust your cape
  • Drink like a pirate and dance like a mermaid
  • Your dream is the plan
  • Forget about enlightenment – sit down wherever you are and listen to the wind singing in your veins
  • You are what you practice
  • Drop our roots deep to rise high
  • Wait in faith for just a moment
  • Rip up the script and make magic
  • She used her heart as a compass

Near the end of the month, I sat on the interstate going 5mph for about 45 minutes. I had been cruising at top speed with the sunroof open, crisp air swirling, as I sang loud to my playlist. The slow-down, slowed all of me down. I turned off the tunes and took some deep breaths. I then got a chuckle as I looked to my right and there were two tractor trailers pulling double cabs of porta potties – about 80 toilets in total. Here I am in a mindful moment, being fully present, with thoughts swirling in my head, and I’m surrounded by poop potties. The Universe is always good to show us our place and provide a humbling laugh. Perhaps those poop potties were where I needed to dump my ruminating thoughts.

Then a call came in from a college friend. “Happy early birthday… what is your intention for the year?” Ooof, big question to which I didn’t have an answer and didn’t want to toss one out flippantly. I told her of my current view and that I better wait for more scenic inspiration. The joy-filled call ended, and I eased along down the road with her question on my mind, and Tracy Chapman’s poignant tunes in the background as the sun set.

The result… connection. I realized that throughout the month, what I unknowingly laid out, were moments of connection. Connection to the quiet nooks and crannies inside myself. Connection to loved ones. Connection to fun. Connection to possibilities.

Here’s to my next year and the connections to come.

dark strom clouds and orange umbrella

September 2023 Quote: Both a Masterpiece and a Work in Progress

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote that calls to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For September 2023, my quote was “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.”  

September marks a new year for me. Even now, I cannot shake the back-to-school, new season vibe. There is the call of the Siren for new office supplies … oh how I love new notebooks and pens, and long to wrap my books in paper bag covers that I doodle on all year long. There is getting “back to it” after the calm, playfulness of summer. There is an energetic shift felt as the crisp air whispers, “quick, winter is on its way.”

Yet, I found myself lingering a bit this September. Hesitant to jump all in. Savoring the last of the extended sunny days and laziness of vacation. It was this juxtaposition between “go, go, go” and “be, be, be” that I found myself throughout the month. I moved through it in a whirlwind interrupted by sporadic, abrupt pauses. Here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that caught my attention along the way:

  • Don’t ever let them tell you who you are
  • Before 50, you’re paid for what you do; after 50 for what you know
  • Volcanic clarity that comes when you speak from the absolute center of your being
  • Whenever I surrender, everything expands
  • Discomfort is a teacher
  • Every process differs, trust yours
  • Communal energy
  • No amount of worry will give you back even 2 hours
  • My validation came from inside
  • You take what you have and you march it forward
  • I had to become more comfortably afraid
  • Rest in it
  • Change is made of miracles in the mundane
  • Do it like your hair is on fire
  • Collude against illusion
  • The only thing different between crazy and courage is a plan
  • Take time to absorb

My “masterpiece” moments showed up when I facilitated a dynamic client meeting that generated client accolades; released a new blog to which a reader shared, “I love it when another golden acorn drops;” coached someone who wrote, “I really appreciate you helping me… You’re so, so good at this;” delivered a prayer at a complex church meeting and afterward a pastor said it was an “art form;” and when I opened my network to a co-worker for help she emailed me, “you are the beset and always seem to make things perfect in the world. Thank you.”

My “work in progress” kept me in a frantic state spinning. Mistakes made. Calls missed. Fitness skipped. Connection overlooked. Fun delayed. Sugar eaten. Veggies missed. To do’s not done. Absently present.

Most people only share their or see other’s curated masterpieces. For me, the work in progress – while often done privately and in intimate ways – is most meaningful when shared.

I got empathy from a new client when I revealed a private stressor in my life. I got access to an expert when I expressed my confusion on a project. I got a much needed hug at 8pm one night from a life-long friend who worked around my crazy calendar to see me. I got to participate in a class with a thought leader when I shared a personal career goal – for free! I got unexpected medical care for a loved one when I shared we had hit a wall. I got a new walking buddy when I re-connected with a neighbor.

Each time I revealed my works in progress (struggles, insecurities, concerns) … a masterpiece of support appeared. All of which made the issue easier to handle and work on together. My works in progress were someone else’s masterpiece moments, and I’m grateful they shared them with me.  

Here’s to creating together.

sunrise at the beach on the water

August 2023 Quote: Refresh

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For July 2023 my quote was simply one word:  refresh.  

Typically, the quotes for each month find me. I see something, take a photo, and when the new month starts, I scroll through them, and one causes me to linger. That’s it. For August, I didn’t look for a quote but rather set an intention. I wanted refresh at the center of my month in every way. Here are the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention during the month:

  • Don’t just do something, stand there
  • Sacred practices
  • Worry was the mental echo of fear
  • With gratitude, optimism is sustainable
  • Seeing and letting go… seeing and letting be
  • Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needed – everything I do is stitched with it’s color
  • Life is now
  • Don’t just follow something, advance it
  • Touching bliss
  • Habit energy
  • Focus on what matters and motivates you
  • Don’t talk about it, be about it
  • Hyper distraction
  • Productive activity not productivity
  • Less candy, more nourishment
  • A created future holds more possibility than a default future
  • Faith lived in the darkest rooms
  • Run with a relaxed mind
  • Without great solitude, no serious work is possible
  • The world is full of magic things patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper

I spent three weeks of August at the beach in a cottage we’ve rented for 20 years for our family vacation. It feels like a second home with the bonus of a massive front porch with rocking chairs that face the sunset. Obviously, a great place to focus on refresh, along with the red beach umbrella where I observe, read, and nap for hours protected from the aggressive sun I crave but fries me to a pink crisp in just a few minutes.

I tried something new for vacation this year. Two weeks working half-days and one week off. This helped me ease into vacation, be present for my family, and be fully unplugged. When the sunny and sand-filled time was over, here are the nine things I learned:

1. Words matter … checking emails on vacation means you’re at work, not on vacation. Working part time (with a precise out of office message) set clear boundaries for team, clients, and myself. This model also helped me close out a few key things important to me and be fully present on vacation.

2. Being gone and offline is good for my team. It showed me where to stay out of their way when I returned cause things progressed fine in my absence and where to mentor staff a bit more.

3. A lot of meetings don’t matter because they are simply habitual exchanges of information without intention. Working 50% made me very intentional about what I attended and attended to. I got a lot done with 70% fewer meetings.

4. Quiet time (in large chunks) generates all kinds of fresh thoughts and ideas. A mindful walk on the beach. Sunrises and sunsets. Cloud gazing. Open time = open mind.

5. Reading books – any kind – on a porch should be required each day … and every office and school should have a reading room with rocking chairs.

6. A large puzzle is an intense mindfulness practice. It’s like yoga … I can’t focus on anything else when doing one.

7. Naps are delightful… as is daily ice cream.

8. Nature is a powerful muscle relaxer.

9. Doing nothing is everything.

I also realized how hard wired I was “to do.” Upon reflection there was a bit of “habit energy” detox that occurred as I stayed offline, didn’t do the “should a” things, and was just in the present moment. I think this extended separation in a relaxing place gave me time and space to reset. To find refresh in my sense of time (less frantic, more calm). To find refresh in my choices (less must do, more here and now). To find refresh in my body (less tense energy, more big easy breaths).

After coming back to reality and working for the last week of August in the city, I found this vacation model has the lasting benefit of what I call “beach brain.” Thinking that is more breezy. Laughter that sits at the surface. Worries that wash away more quickly. A calm I carry with me.

A calm put to the test the day after getting home with a water leak in the kitchen… which led to removal of everything under the sink… which led to five repairman visits… which led to no cooking for a week… which led to removing everything out of our refrigerator/freezer to move it… which led to me be more at ease with it, rather than against it in search of control.

Ahhhh yes…. lasting refreshment of my soul.

two flamingos

July 2023 Quote: Live Loud Enough in Your Heart

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For July 2023 my quote was “live loud enough in your heart and there is no need to speak.”  

I write this blog in my mother’s home sanctuary. I sit here in her backyard at 6am among the chatter of various birds, soft chilled air, and touch of emerging light. While the day comes alive, a stillness surrounds me. I am aware of a connection to more, to a whole of which I am one piece. I welcome the gentleness of the day’s start as I think about the quotes, lyrics, and phrases that that caught my attention during the month:

  • Opportunity did not knock until I built the door
  • Allow don’t push
  • Practice creates the person who owns the thing
  • This is it, dammit
  • Your mission is waiting on you
  • Time runs out
  • Laughter is the carbonated holiness
  • Do what is vital
  • Some people are soul medicine in the way they love you, support you, and believe in you always
  • Your future self is not someone you become – it’s someone you choose to be
  • Follow your soul, it knows the way
  • What is essential is invisible to the eye
  • The meaning of life is to give live meaning

I felt July. It was a lot to feel. The emotional pendulum swung big – from pure glee laughing uncontrollably as tears rolled down my face to the devastation of death as tears rolled down my face. Both a part of a life filled with dear friends.

In between these moments I had three poignant conversations that in hindsight were my own emotional fable like the Alchemist.

First, came preparation. A friend and mindfulness coach shared how she welcomes her emotions or rather gathers them together and talks to them. She brings them into the light to see what they are teaching her rather than keep them at bay wreaking havoc. Perhaps it’s because I’m in my mother’s space, that the analogy I give you for this comes from her days as an Executive Director of a child development center. Sing it with me now, “Where is thumpkin? Where is thumpkin?”  Call each emotion out, say hello, and put it away. My friend reminded me that emotions aren’t bad. They are information to listen to.

Then came reality. Another key conversation was with a friend who is training to be a death doula, someone who helps people prepare for and transition through death. In this call we dumped all the random things going on in life on the table so to speak. We gave our crazy stories to each other, the absurdity of them all, when combined together, led me to say, “Well, this is it. Dammit.” And she offered up it was a book title for both our lives at the moment. Life unvarnished. No filters. All in the open.

Finally, came acceptance. I closed the month with a role model—a spiritual, artistic, community leader. Our intimate conversation over breakfast was tender. From medical hardships of our loved ones to creative learning to our alma mater, we each shared and listened. There was no fixing or advice. Just space to simply be in life with another person. Together. I shared how the phrase “let it go” continues to show up in my life and she shared a phrase that helps her, “let it be.”

I am grateful for these conversations and these women both in moment and especially when I learned a long-time friend and Junior League of Northern Virginia volunteer died after a nearly two-year battle with stomach cancer. All the feels came when I learned her light was gone. It was too big for me to process. Like a short circuit of my system. Then I got to know my sadness and found out joy was there… joy of her smile, joy of her compassion, joy of her network, joy of her animal videos, joy of her faith, joy of her information, joy of her flamingos, joy of her being. As I struggled with the reality of her death, I discovered that her light was not in fact gone… that it was just disbursed into everyone who felt her joy. That we all carried her light forward, and this helped shift my sadness to possibility. How can I emanate more of JJ’s joy in the world?

Funny enough, as I come to the end of this piece, “Reveille” blarred full throttle from mega speakers at the nearby Air Force Base… time to live loud through our hearts!  

June 2023 Quote: All For The Love Of You

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For June 2023 my quote was “all for the love of you.”  

I began this month with an introspective vibe for this quote. All up in my head as we introverts can be. I am grateful that I ended the month with an interpersonal perspective of these words. Here are quotes, lyics, and phrases that that caught my attention during the month:

  • Our fear is only darkness, which is the perfect test, contrast, and venue for our light
  • If not now, when?
  • Non-thinking reptilian brain
  • The mind chases while the heart grounds
  • A feisty blessing
  • Act on the knowledge you have until you have better knowledge
  • Don’t ignore the warning signs
  • Be ready to own your choices
  • Fuck comfort
  • Walk long enough and we all trade places
  • Ambition verses intention
  • You create what you allow
  • Meet what is, rather than what could be
  • What’s possible through me?
  • Never forget that justice is what love looks like in public
  • You’re ridiculously in charge
  • Relax into who I’ve always been
  • You don’t grow a plant by dipping it into dirt once a year, it needs to stay and grow roots
  • Prioritize the uniqueness that makes you you, and the invisible magnet that draws in other like-minded souls to dance in your orbit
  • The power of God powerfully moves between us unseen, only visible in the brief moments we are lighted – in those enlivened moments we know as love

There is research that shows what you think about helps you move to it—or attract it to you; perhaps it’s a bit of both. Well, this month, I felt the love.

My month kicked off with Day Breakers which I’d waited to do since learning about it during the COVID lockdown. I met a friend at the Kennedy Center’s outdoor park next to the Potomac River.  There, we joined more than 200 others, each wearing one color head to toe. I blue, she pink. Together we all looked like specs of a rainbow that has been scattered after a storm, reuniting to take full form again. We enjoyed one hour of yoga and then two hours dancing to a DJ. The yoga had me a bit worried as I hadn’t done any in 15 years. The practice was a graceful one – accepting what your body can do now rather than an aggressive stance of “do better.” At one point we came off our mats onto the grass to do a challenging pose balanced on one leg. The each person directed to put an arm around another’s shoulder. There we were, ring upon ring of people – in various colors – connected together. Steady as a collective verse wobbly alone.

The next weekend had me on the hill of my alma matter, Mary Baldwin College, for my 30th reunion. At first, the thought of my 30th reunion made me feel old, but I since realized that each decade, year, and moment of growing deserved a celebration … 30 years of a life well lived deserved gratitude for a place that transformed me. Three days with three besties sharing and laughing reminded me:

  • To cling to folks who get you
  • That our imaginations are not big enough for our potential
  • Silliness is good for the soul
  • Everyone is an artist in their own way

The weekend caused me to reflect on who I was when I was there – bold, bright eyed, and bushy tailed … who I am now, and who I want to continue to evolve into. The weekend brought me back to my core where I re-connected with spunk, creativity, confidence, wonder, forgiveness, and joy. Not that these had gone away, and more of a reminder that they are always with me and how easy it is to tap into them. Life had lodged them a bit deeper and now they were polished and prominent.

As I savored the celebration of my journey as an adult, I moved to the next weekend to celebrate the journey to come for my nephew as he graduated from high school. The energy in the room palpable. Hope and anticipation swirled in the air from the graduates and loved ones alike. Many conversations centered on “What are you doing next?” A question, I am learning with age and experience, that is dangerous and detrimental. It robs the person of the now, of the magic of being, of the possibilities they can’t imagine, and of the tiny voice in their soul that has ideas different than the norm. Perhaps at these milestone moments, the question could be “How would you like to be now?,” “What do you want to make sure the world has more of?,” or “What do you hope is in your life?” And, in case you’re wondering how we celebrated my nephew going off into his “next”… a family meal, axe throwing, and ice cream! They seemed to set the tone for life’s pending adventures.

The last weekend of the month ended at lunch with friends of 20+ years. The conversation different from chats over chips and salsas of days gone by. Work responsibilities, memory care units, and health issues – tempered with memories and long-standing jokes. Our waiter (whom we’ve followed to three restaurants) shared news about his colon cancer and successful surgery. Hugs by all.

I closed out my month with a thank you note. On Father’s Day, I received a truly empathic text from a long-time friend. She articulated things I had not and could not. I felt understood in a way that took me by surprise. Her words not only comforted but buoyed me. She didn’t try to fix anything or offer false platitudes. She acknowledged me. She saw me. She loved me. Several weeks later, I mailed her an “LGBTQILOVEU” card to close out Pride month. I expressed gratitude for her as best I could in hopes that she felt my acceptance as I had felt hers.

The month reminded me of all the ways love appears. The love of you as a person. The love of you as family. The love of you as friend. The love of you within community.

All for the love of you.

May 2023 Quote: Meraki!

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For May 2023 it was a word, not a quote that caught my attention, meraki.

Meraki means “doing something with soul, creativity, or love – when you put something of yourself into what you’re doing.” Here are quotes, lyics, and phrases that that caught my attention during the month:

  • You are the only one who can assign meaning to your life
  • Happiness is the feeling of contribution
  • Life is a series of moments, each called now
  • Allow the road ahead of you to speak louder than the one behind you
  • It was a real God-wink
  • A storm in a teacup
  • Unpack your backage and hide it in the attic
  • Lets dance in earnest in the moments of the here and now
  • We pray, practice, and invite in all the transformation we’ve been craving
  • Get out of your head
  • What does this situation call for?
  • I believe in kindness; also in mischief; also in singing—especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed
  • Don’t fight back, fight forward
  • We are not living our lives to satisfy others
  • We are all different and all equal
  • They need to get unstuck
  • Be in use to others
  • The courage to be normal
  • Your dreams have plans for you
  • Stand in your light
  • Collude for good
  • A little nonsense now and then is enjoyed by the wisest men
  • Patience is a form of faith
  • The life ahead of you is a blank page – and there are no tracks that have been laid for you to follow—there is no story there
  • As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere
  • I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me

More and more, I feel so much around me is increasingly serious, to the point of overwhelming paralysis. Friends face severe, complex, life-threatening illnesses. The loss of women’s health rights and targeted aggressions against various minority groups. Gun violence now so normalized that the death of school children is not the lead news story. National elected officials more focused on working against something or someone than working for the country, gone is common sense and collaboration. War around the word.

As more darkness seems to take hold, I feel the call to bring more light into any corner I can. More soul. More creativity. More love. More meraki.

My hope is that with more meraki I can shore up those in need, make dents in large bureaucratic issues, and help improve the community closest to me. Perhaps my meraki will spark meraki in others, creating a wave of connection built through laughter, meals, hugs, cards, art, kindness, conversation, and compassion.

As I snuck in meraki, it’s been fun to see it reverberate. Positive begets positivity. Meraki showed up when a teammate said, “I’m grateful because no one’s invested in my leadership before.” Meraki generated an invitation to join an upcoming Eid celebration. Meraki caused women to share their appreciation for a leader, earning her a significant award. Merekai brought connection during a 10 minute call to a college friend struggling. Meraki resulted in leaders tossing around a fluffy, stuffed acorn in laughter at a planning session. Meraki inspired me to paint my parent’s laundry room after 40 years. Meraki broke down the stigma of a layoff when executive women spoke candidly to a small group of peers. Meraki led to prayers said and cards sent to those I know and don’t suffering from loss and heartbreak. Meraki led me to donate to a black, female candidate. Meraki caused a discussion on shoes at work leading me to bust out my glittery Converse high tops for the offsite. Meraki showed up as enthusiastic emails from my high school English teacher.

More meraki!