Recently, I met a coworker who is early in her career journey. It was a fun chat as she shared her professional enthusiasm. The joy for what lay ahead was clear and contagious. During our discussion we spoke about the concept of “bring your whole self to work.” She asked what I did to get and/or be more comfortable as “me” at work.

Before I share my response, I think it’s important to know that I’m not sure “bring your whole self to work” is good advice, especially if the system in which you’re working is not healthy. I think we all need to understand the system in which we work – and either work to improve it or find a better one. Working in fear, anxiety, or a state of incompleteness is detrimental to a person, as well as the mission of the organization as it’s not getting the full talents of an employee, manager, or leader.

I offer up a counter catch phrase instead:  bring your most effective self to work.

Here are the tips I offered to this emerging leader to help her begin to think how she could bring her most effective self to work:

1. Find your voice. I might be biased as a proud member of my high school Forensic team which had its own fight song, but I think being an effective speaker gives you power. Power to inspire. Power to share your intelligence and ideas. Power to pull people in. Power to gracefully stand up against issues and people. Toastmasters is one way to give you foundational tools. I also think it’s important to take notes on how effective speakers help a small team collaborate, watch who unites a group around a new idea, or who helps you lose track of time when they’re speaking. How do they use their voice? What kinds of words do they use? Do they use storytelling or data – or both – to build a case? What is their energy?  How do they use their bodies? How do they use silence? How do they pull in others? Try on these things at every opportunity to build your signature communication style. And remember, speaking is not about the formal moment… every meeting is an opportunity to improve your speaking skills.
2. Embrace your expertise. I’ve always been confident on what I was good at and sought opportunities to apply and hone those innate gifts. My college degrees reflected it (communications, English, and psychology), my career proved it out, and the certifications I completed expanded my talent in new ways. I can do a lot more beyond my favorite things; however, it takes more time and energy — and usually there is someone else with those skills eager to jump in an apply them. Let them. I’m not saying only stick to your favorite things, it’s important to be competent at basic work skills (e.g., financial management, planning, feedback, writing, research and analysis). Without a solid base of skills, you can easily get overlooked for growth opportunities as you’ll be seen as a “one-trick-pony.” What I think is important is to build a brand around what you like to do – and do well. Make sure coworkers know when and why to invite you to opportunities… “Be sure to invite Lindy Lou, she’s great at ____.” If you’re not invited to the party (meeting), you cannot contribute your skills, diverse thinking, and unique perspective to the solution.
3. Build your posse. Years ago, I read Sebastian Junger’s book Tribe which explores loyalty, belonging, and the eternal human quest for meaning among tribal societies. Throughout my career, I cultivated a network of smart, demanding, fun, compassionate experts, a tribe I can rely on. As an introvert, my network is not huge. For me, these relationships took time to build and have lasted 20+ years. We are responsive to one another, and candid. We openly share our community with others – members of their inner circle are immediately pulled into mine when introductions are made. I reach to them for expertise. I reach to them for reality checks. I reach to them for opportunities. Additionally, I keep standing meetings on my calendar with several of them as I’ve learned over the years, if I have these standing meetings the right person is always there when I need them. It’s magical how many times this has been true, from the person who always makes me laugh (when I have a hard week) to the person who always has a great article to share (when I need inspiration for a facilitation). These folks also keep me grounded in me. They help me remain true to who I am and what I have to offer. They recognize, celebrate, and seek the magic of me.
4. Find your mentor. I collect mentors. It is a great habit I formalized at Booz Allen Hamilton. Some mentors are topical, such as an Army mentor when I struggled to learn that organization. Some mentors are just ahead of me professionally and provide lessons learned. Some mentors are for my shortcomings and hold me accountable in areas I want to improve. Some mentors are people I admire and simply seek time in their inspiring universe. Some mentors are with those with whom I’m least like to help open my perspective. Each mentor relationship is unique. Some for a set time, others long-term.

Finally, I shared that each person needs to define their style or work presence. How you present your most authentic or effective self at work. How will you blend in and when will you buck the system ? What are your boundaries as to what you will let shine as your true self, what will you protect as it’s not work’s business to have all of you, and how can you use your presence to affect change?

When I began consulting, my first client was Army Casualty and Mortuary Affairs at the height of the Iraq/Afghanistan War. I did not know the Army. I did not know combat. I did not know the culture. I did not know the lingo. I did not know how to be a 40+ year old male which is who I mostly worked with. But, I did know communications and how to reach people in a time of loss. You see my dad and brother are both ministers. So, rather than shy away or try to blend into a world I was not a part of, I decided to stand out. With my Lilly Pulitzer floral notebooks and bright colored clothes, I applied my skills to a worthy mission. In my own style:

• I built team connections (it’s amazing how many relationships started over a container of chocolate I kept on my desk),
• Wrote meaningful stories about loved one’s fallen family members,
• Asked candid questions about Army regulations to learn how to best navigate the system,
• Asked a cadre of retired Army coworkers for help, and
• Worked hard.

By using my voice, talents, network and mentors, I accomplish what the folks “in the system” couldn’t. I moved throughout a space that is uncomfortable for many to elevate heroes, share resources with loved ones, and help the healing process.

I leave you with a portion of a daily reading from Mark Nepo‘s daily meditation book, The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have. “In effect, the cost of being who you are is that you can’t possible meet everyone’s expectations, and so, there will, inevitably, be external conflict to deal with—the friction of being visible. Still, the cost of not being who are is that while you are busy pleasing everyone around you, a precious part of you is dying inside, in this case, there will be internal conflict to deal with—the friction of being invisible…. What this means, in a daily way, is that I have to be conscientious about being truthful and resist the urge to accommodate my truth away. It means that being who I really am is not forbidden or muted just because others are uncomfortable or don’t want to hear it….. We don’t have to be great to begin. We simply have to start by saying what we really want for dinner or which movie we really want to see.”

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For June 2022 the quote was, “No one is you, and that is your power.”

What made this quote extra appealing is that it’s attributed to musician and author Dave Grohl, founder and leader singer of my favorite band, the Foo Fighters. High school dropout, Grammy winner, girl dad, and global rocker. He took his talents, goals, and goofiness – his innate power – and has lived a life true to himself. And even more impressive, is the space his mother gave him to do it. Having someone see and believe in your authentic power, and then help reinforce it, is a tremendous gift.

With a quote about the magic that is you, here are quotes that caught my attention in June:

• Lost in the between space
• Start where you are
• There is what they said – there is what you heard – and, actually how it is
• I see you
• This risk to say yes
• The purpose of life is to live it
• Cultural humility
• It’s futile to ask why… ask “what did I learn from this?”
• We don’t have to believe our thoughts, instead of following them down some track, we can let them go
• Remember the love
• What is the life you want, and what are you willing to do for it?
• Less pressure; more presence
• Kindness Garden
• May you live long enough to know why you were born
• Always move to the sound of the boom… what scares you is where you have something to learn
• Call people in
• We can always find time for what we have the gumption to do
• Live in skin that’s new
• Modernization is between fun and stability
• A still small voice
• Jump, and you will learn how to unfold your wings as you fall
• Think good thoughts
• The cure was courage
• A space is only as safe as I am open
• You have to open your mouth and own your story

A few months ago, I reached out to a few women and shared my personal goal to earn the International Coaching Federation’s Associate Certified Coach credential, which requires 60 hours of training and 100 hours of coaching. I invited them to attend an eight-session leadership development masterclass I created. They get content and community, and I get coaching hours and feedback on my new masterclass. Nine women accepted and committed to the program.

Each class began with a mindful moment, provided educational content with a worksheet, and included reflective discussions. In the first session, we agreed to “No Miss America answers” – to be fully open about who we are, our struggles, our fears, our strengths, and our areas for growth. Together we covered leadership intention, introductions, values, communications, distractions, and outcomes.

While I designed this masterclass for women who are early in their professional career, I found my preparation, personal reflection, and the discussions supported me too. Why leadership matters to me. Who modeled it to me. How I want to be as a leader. How I’ve grown as one, and where I continue to struggle.  It gave me a reset.

Our conversations validated that while there appears to be a standard style or expectation for who is or what makes a leader…  our success as one, is anchored in a personalized approach. One that fits our own personal superpowers.  As one participant shared at the end of class – much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz – “I learned that I can trust myself to be a good leader. I already have to tools.”

Also like Dorothy, we cannot (and should not) do it alone. Every participant shared how valuable time connecting with other leaders was to her growth – myself included. Every conversation included the phrases “me too” or “I thought I was the only one.” Each time someone shared a concern or asked a question, someone’s superpower came to the rescue with an idea or suggestion. I shared that I have standing meetings with a handful of leaders. The calls cover life, venting, laughter, brain storming, and moral support. It seems that just when I need it, access to the right leader’s superpower shows up on my calendar at the right time. And that included this masterclass of women.

What’s your leadership superpower?  

Volunteer has always been a core part of my identify. Growing up I heard stories of various family members and what they did publicly to make the community better and behind the scenes to help individuals. From a great Uncle who let folks pay for groceries with a chicken to my grandmother who convinced a local dentist to care for some of her elementary school children’s dental emergencies at no cost. I saw my parents in action in the community. Dad was board president of Peninsula Pastoral Counseling Center, a nonprofit organization that offers professional counseling and consultation in a faith context. Mom donated groceries to the food bank, baked cookies for inmates, gave clothes to the thrift shop, and donated to NPR, among other activities. Basically, part of being an Oehler is to be a volunteer.

My volunteer history includes nonprofits, church, schools, military, and professional associations. Each one enabling me to both learn and give back; as well as build a network of compassionate experts.

• Florida International University, Women’s Executive Leadership Program (Advisory Board)
• Mary Baldwin University (Community Advisory Board and Alumni Association Board of Directors)
• National Association of State Directors of Veterans Affairs (strategic planner)
• American Corporate Partners (service member mentor)
• Hiring Our Heroes (Corporate Fellow mentor)
• Junior League of Northern Virginia (President)
• Living Vicky (Board of Directors’ Chairperson)
• Child and Family Network Centers (Board of Directors)
• Public Relations Society of America (mentor)       

While the “giving back” vibe is great, volunteering – for me – has also been about receiving. Specifically, gaining experiences to learn new skills, move into management, and expand my resume with proven outcomes. Volunteering gave me a sandbox where I could grow as a communications expert, improve my business management skills, and hone my leadership style… all without the fear of failing at work. Without the added pressure of a work environment, when everything is tied to your next performance review, I found I feel emboldened to try new things, and to do so in a way that is more authentic to me – rather than the cookie cutter model of how it “should” be done.  

Volunteering also gave me more opportunities. At work, opportunities can be limited to someone with the right title, college education, or demographic. There are spoken and unspoken rules of who can do what and when. Volunteering offers a fast track to growth such as me being President of a nonprofit when I was 30. I oversaw the finances, membership, community service, communications, and planning – everything a CEO does. In my 10-year path to President of the Junior League, I designed and implemented a 50-person new-membership training program; led corporate communications from the newsletter to media relations; created a new fundraiser; established a new community advisory board; designed and facilitated offsites; spoke at events; and presided over countless meetings – all in my 20’s. All things that easily translated over into my professional life. I can’t think of a paid job that gives that many opportunities to learn, do, and lead so quickly.

Volunteering is about community. The one you want to improve and the one you’re in to do so. As a volunteer I built a broad network, both of friends and professional allies. For me, volunteering offers a space to be more authentic alongside others who are passionate about a cause. The connections from volunteering seem to endure as we are connected through passion, mission, and impact.

Being a volunteer does change the world. It helps those in need. It helps the organization with limited resources. It helps you build yourself.

What can you help change as a volunteer?

Tonight, I shared my leadership advantage with participants in my Leadership Brand masterclass. Three advantages to be specific. A retired colonel. An entrepreneur and community advocate. A non-profit executive. Women who mentored me throughout my career. While I knew their stories, I’d never dedicated time to truly talk about leadership–let alone have them talk together. It was a bit like an episode of “This is Your Life,” the leadership edition.

Before tonight, I learned through their words backed by action. I learned through their direct, thoughtful feedback. I learned through choices. I learned through the opportunities they shared with me. I learned through what they tolerated and didn’t. I learned through their successes. I learned through their hard questions. I learned through their support.

Tonight, I continued to learn. Here are few of their “golden acorns” on leadership that really hit home:

• “Make hard decisions.”
• “Know yourself. Not just today but who you want to be. If you know who you want to be you can create a plan and take action to get there.”
• In terms of how to prioritize personal / professional goals… “always check in with your values.”
• “Never say can’t.”
• “Collaborate”
• “You decide your attitude at any minute in any situation.”
• “Don’t let anyone decide for you.”
• “Look for opportunities in any situation and take them!”
• In terms of how to handle mess-ups… “acknowledge them, learn from them, and move on.”
• “Be true to who you are.”
• “Speak up”
• “Use humor, make friends, and have fun!”
• “Welcome a risk”

Tonight, I reconfirmed my commitment of time with emerging leaders. Time to get to know them personally. Time to listen to their bold goals. Time to amplify their impact and advocate for them. Time to share my network. Time to brainstorm. Time to laugh. Time to commiserate. Time to cheerlead. Time to pour into them how other leaders poured into me.

Tonight, I ask you to join me and plant your leadership acorns in others–and invest in the emerging leaders around you.

Last night as I cooked dinner, I sent a text to a co-worker. I was brief and to the point. First an avatar of my face with the mouth covered by black tape with “&$!#%” on it. Then, the comment “I heard your news.” His response was quick:  “Emily!” with a crying emoji face. What followed was a quick exchange of appreciation and encouragement with an employee who’d just given notice. I wanted him to know (1) I’d miss him, (2) that I was excited for his next career adventure, and (3) he could reach out to me any time in the future.

During my career, I’ve seen people and organizations respond oddly when someone resigns. I’ve never understood it. Career growth is a good thing—and inevitable. As a leader your purpose is to build technical experts, proficient managers, compassionate teammates, and bold dreamers who are empowered to step into their full potential. You should want folks to “leave the nest” as it means you helped shape the next generation of servant leaders. (But that doesn’t lessen the pain when a great employee leaves.)

When folks on my team resign – either for another position in the firm or to another organization – I set aside time to discuss the transition, as well as get feedback. Here are the key components of the conversation:

1. What habits served you well that you want to keep? I think it’s important to help the person see the gifts and talents they take with them, then figure out how not to lose their magic in a new organization, role, or culture.
2. What do you want to make sure you leave behind and how will you do that? Starting a new job is a great time to explore your boundaries and bad habits. Knowing what you want to change or prevent from reoccurring, and having a plan in place before your onboarding to breaking the cycle of things like calendar chaos, being over extended, not using 100% of your vacation, or doing things you outgrew.
3. What will you do to rebuild your reputation? You are not a known entity at a new company. You must prove yourself, your skills, your value, your camaraderie, your creativity, all over to everyone. You must, however, take the time to understand the environment (culture) in which to do this. What served you well in your past organization could hinder you in another. I encourage you to patiently spend time learning the organization, its people, and how it operates—the spoken and unspoken rules. Then slowly step into things and let your light shine. Think 3-way light bulb revealing more and more of your talents over time, rather than all out disco ball on day one.
4. What do you want to get out of this next experience? I think it’s important to be clear on not just why you left but what you want to get from the next job. Experience leading people? Financial management? Learn a new skill? Go deeper in your area of expertise? Work with a type of client? Start an initiative? Public speaking opportunities? What will improve you… stretch you… build on what you have so you’re ready for the next jump? The phrase I use is, “be selfish in how you use the job to get what you want and need – and do it in a way that also serves the businesses’ goals.”
5. What do you need to succeed?  I believe the philosophical equivalent to this question is the statement “know thy self.” Any place you move to doesn’t know you and generally provides tools / approaches that work for the masses of employees. You need to know and advocate for what you need personally, from reasonable accommodations to how you engage with your supervisor (e.g., weekly touch base, being on-camera, debrief after major projects).  Set clear boundaries from the beginning. Don’t make folks demonstrate their lack of mind reading skills.
6. How can you improve and better support the people on your new team? It’s important to take a moment to be self-reflective. Consider the framework:  Dazzle / Dang It. Under “Dazzle,” write down when and how you dazzled your teammates with your best self. This is not about “one-upsmanship” or having the spotlight but how you genuinely supported a person in your team. How did you help them grow, get to the next table, own the spotlight, move closer to a goal? Under the “Dang It” header, list missed opportunities for allyship, advocacy, and assistant of co-workers—and what you might do differently in the future.

I then ask for feedback of my performance, asking questions like: How can I improve? What could I do differently to support their replacement? What did I do that drove them crazy? What should I keep doing that was helpful?

In closing, I stress that I’m now a permanent part of their career journey. A long-term resource for venting, moral support, advice, or celebration. It’s important folks understand that a resignation is not an end, but rather the extension of a network of like-minded leaders. Leaders eager to help one another throughout career adventures—and couldn’t we all use a bit more of that?

Just out of college and my boss, John Cabot Ishon, said he’d pay for me to join a professional association… as long as it was the Junior League. While I knew of “the League” – the movers and shakers in my hometown with a huge blue disk keychain with a big white JLHR embossed on it – they didn’t feel like my folks. While I had my perceptions of them, I couldn’t deny the impact they had on the community and the fun they looked doing it. While I accepted his offer with hesitation, I am forever grateful for his foresight of how this organization would impact my life as a leader through a safe place to learn, opportunity to grow, and supportive life-long friends. 

If you’re not familiar with the League, it’s a global organization with community chapters. The women’s only program “promotes voluntarism, develops the potential of women, and improves the community through the effective action and leadership of trained volunteers. Basically, the organization cultivates female leaders through formal training, information mentoring, and community service. 

I joined. Reluctantly. I showed up. Watched from the outside. Not fully committing. Then I moved. Transferred membership to the Junior League of Northern Virginia, JLNV. I showed up. Watched from the outside. Then, someone literally asked me to the table. Invited me to sit with her. Thirteen years later, I became President during the organization’s 50^th anniversary year. (The picture here is of me wearing my “JL” presidential pendant necklace that I wear as a leadership talisman, confidence booster, and source of pride.)

My presidential theme was “Legacy of Leadership.” I was carrying on my mom’s and grandmother’s legacy as community leaders through the League. The members were building their legacy as leaders trying new things and sharing lessons learned with other members. Sustaining members (those retired from active membership) were building the League’s legacy of leadership serving on other organization’s boards. The League was celebrating 50 years of developing women leaders – quite the legacy. 

I think it’s important for every leader to take measure of and reflect on their legacy. To me, leadership is not about the person, the title, or the accolades. A true leadership legacy is about service to others. Here are way you can explore your legacy:

Time

• How much of your calendar is spent in service to others on your team and in your organization?
• How many one-on-one meetings do you have to understand someone’s personal goals, skills, and concerns?
• How do you make time to grow through courses, books, podcasts, or mentorship?

People

• What have you done to build others up? 
• How did you help others to shine?
• How do you elevate teammates who are younger, older, less experienced, first generation, another race/gender/ethnicity/economic status? 
• How did you amplify rare voices at the table or advocate to get others to the table? 
• Who did you rave about and endorse to other leaders? 

Actions

• How have you shared your knowledge?
• How often did you say “I don’t know,” “I was wrong,” or “I’m sorry”? 
• When do you give meaningful feedback?
• How often to you ask for and apply feedback?
• When was the last time you rolled up your sleeves and work side-by-side with other levels of people on your project?
• How often do you let go of something so others can have the experience and limelight? 
• When did you openly share your hardships rather than make it all look easy?

Joy

• Do your words and actions demonstrate joy of leadership – not that it’s not without hardship and frustration, but on the whole are you a happy leader?
• Do you have candid discussions with peer leaders about what sparks their joy?
• Do you listen to emerging leaders and support their personal style of leadership that generates joy?

To me, a leadership legacy is built through intention, reflection, and action. It’s not just about your reputation or brand as a leader but in the strength of the leaders you help grow. Leadership legacy is a generational effort. Your efforts now to be an authentic, servant leader affects generations to come. Each person you give voice to, knowledge to, confidence to, feedback to, support to, opportunity to, spotlight to, and listen to can more quickly step into their full potential as a leader. And, then pass that gift on to others. Now that’s a legacy to invest in.