black glittery high-top tennis shoe

February 2023 Quote: “Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride”

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For January 2023 the quote was, “Buy the ticket, take the ride.”

It seemed like everyone in my social media feed hit the new year running. They picked their word for the year. Set a goal or two. Began with dry January and hit the gym with veggies. I on the other hand limped into the year new with a jacked up back. The lack of mobility and protected moves gave me a more guarded stance entering into 2023 – literally. I found however, this this served me well and kept me from getting caught up in the frenzy around me. I did what was right for me. Along the way, here are quotes that caught my attention in January:

  • The next horizons live inside ourselves
  • So come to the pond or river of our imagination, or the harbor of your longing, and put your lips to the world and life your life.
  • Everything will kill you, so choose something fun
  • We silence the noise with intuition
  • Faith is relaxing
  • May your life become a garden of opportunities for happiness
  • Leadership is the space we hold for others
  • The space between stimulus and response – we can, and must, expand that space
  • Audacity returns
  • That heavily guarded border between the edge of our own safety and the edge of our dream
  • The balance of grace and swagger, of magic and mystery
  • I believe fear and action can co-exist
  • Got sent help – she sent you.
  • Put it together!
  • Drop the fear
  • Their radiance draws others who’ve grown board with conformity and competition              
  • Transient hassles that disturb my core peace
  • What will it take for you to stand up for your vision?
  • Be around the light bringers, the magic makers, the world shifter, the game shakers
  • Courage to carve your own path
  • See what you discover
  • Radical collaboration
  • Everywhere I turn, there I am

It was interesting that I picked this quote for January as a way to jump start my new year. Go all in. My reality was different. Rather than my anticipated participation in Orange Theory Fitness two week transformation challenge – I got dry needled and stretched by my physical therapist. Rather than my scheduled take down of Christmas decorations, we left the tree up another week enjoying the soothing warm glow of the lights into middle of the month. Rather than showing up to my first offsite of the year in my usual facilitation heals and pantsuit, I wore new black sequined Converse high-tops to support my back’s recovery in style, and bringing smiles to the participants.

For a while I felt like I was letting 2023 down right out of the gate. Already falling behind. Then I realized I was caught up on expectations rather than appreciate reality.

I paused and reminded myself that a quote I picked doesn’t define me. That I set the quote, and I can change or reframe it. So, I decided to adjust my thinking about “take the ride” to focus on the ride of recovery.  A ride that I needed and enjoyed, rather than a ride of competition with others. My January ride gave me more time to read, more time to rest, more chats with friends, and more time to move at a pace that was right for me. The lack of pressure to do was delightful.

I’m grateful for a very different January. A ride of rejuvenation rather than roller coaster.

Leading From Within book on lap

Books – January 2023

The Long Game: How to be a Long-term Thinker in a Short-term World by Dorie Clark

It was great to read a book by fellow Mary Baldwin University “sister squirrel,” Dorie Clark. While a hard copy to mark up and come back to would be nice … listening to Dorie read it was like being in an extended coaching session or masterclass with her. Within Dorie’s advice and real stories was a clear strategic plan. One that she herself applied to become a national best seller, top 50 business thinker in the world, grammy winner, and Broadway investor – all after a career in political campaigns. She offers a dual system to reach your goals: deliberate actions now for immediate returns augmented by secondary actions for the next wave of success.

Her approach helps you understand what you want to accomplish and how to create clear steps to accomplish it in a way that is meaningful for you. The book also helps you avoid getting stuck in the hamster wheel of corporate America’s expectations. She takes on busyness, saying no, and goal setting. She offers a long-term perspective by thinking in “waves.” She explores patience and rethinks failure. She showcases how networking should (and shouldn’t) be done, and its value over time–and in a way that is also appealing to introverts like myself. Dorie does all this in practical ways that are not cost prohibitive for even the young professional. But what was most exciting about “The Long Game,” is that it offers courage to carve your own career path.

This is not the frantic go, go, go approach that many executive coaches offer in their “do it and do it now” models, but a more methodical way to move toward your dreams in a way that enables you to enjoy life along the way. To me, a refreshing approach that supports more balance in your life.

Leading From Within:  Conscious Social Change and Mindfulness for Social Innovation by Gretchen Ki Steidle

As a life-long volunteer from a non-profit family, mindfulness newbie, and change management practitioner, this book captured my attention. The opening sentence of this book’s promotion summary quickly drew me in: “A roadmap for integrating mindfulness into every aspect of social change: how to lead transformation with compassion for the needs and perspectives of all people.” I started this book at the beach on a porch rocking chair and finished it several months later next to my lit Christmas tree. Where I had – both physically and mentally – changed a lot in the time frame; especially as I personally went through a large work transformation at work and am talking more with clients about “what is next” for their organizations and as a person.

The book’s content on conscious (intentional) change in combination with mindfulness is spot on and very relevant. It covers why and how to take a breath to look at the current state as it presently is rather than with a lens of expectation – no easy task. Gretchen offers a framework for change, mindful practices (including my favorite “loving kindness”), culture considerations, tips on how to be a better listener, and the science and case studies to bring it to life. She also lays out how to develop a self-care plan as the demands of being a change agents can be physically, mentally, and soulfully draining. What I found most helpful is a refreshing way to look at planning with 3 poignant questions:  What is happening? What is true? And “What is needed?” Plus, a creative way to visually map a current situation with the elements of a tree:  root causes (roots); problem (tree trunk) and effects (leaves), plus a complementary approach to a brainstorming session and stakeholder analysis. A lot to process in one small book, but worth it to help bring about meaningful, personal, and lasting change in the world.

Permission to Glow:  A Spiritual Guide to Epic Leadership by Kristoffer Carter

I met “K.C.” at a Mindful Leader conference in the fall of 2022 where he presented on the “permissions” outlined in this book. His presentation style and book voice is that of Tigger who meditates – vivacious energy with an undercurrent of intentional calm. You can’t help but get caught up in his vibe. The book offers up 4 permissions to bring about more intentional, meaningful leadership – and outcomes.  Chill. Feel. Glow in the dark. Glow in the light. As well as their counter, limiting sides which he named speedy rabbit, game face, phantom pest, and darkstar. While the language might sound odd, the permissions themselves and the icons provided to represent them are well explained and offer new words to use to combat old leadership issues to create a more authentic approach.

The book offers an approach, self-reflection tools, meditations, and some case studies. A few phrases that caught my attention in the book include:

  • “We silent the noise with intuition”
  • The importance of discernment with the simple question, “Does this serve me?”
  • “Boredom is often a sign of an issue with your calendar. Board leaders are either over- or under-scheduled. They haven’t committed to enough activities that make them glow.”
  • “The permission to glow lies just beyond the safety of our comfort zone—and safely beneath our ejection seat of upper limiting beliefs.”
  • “…that heavily guarded border between the edge of our safety and the edge of our dream.”
  • “Radiance draws others who’ve grown bored with conformity and competition”
  • “Be more like the determined, happy toddler figuring out how to walk, and less like the jaded bureaucrat.”

How to be an Inclusive Leader by Jennifer Brown

I read this book over the Martin Luther King Jr holiday weekend as a way to reinvigorate my desire to build more belonging in the groups of which I was a part. Jennifer offers a 4-part “inclusive leader continuum” with unaware, aware, active, and advocate. I liked that this is a fluid (rather than linear) model, where we move back and forth within each area as we learn, relearn, and find more of our ignorance to understand.

This book is about action, “It’s incumbent on those of us who identities make us insiders in a system to go first. The only choice we have is to step up and show up, however imperfectly—to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.” The book addresses the awkward moments of stepping into action, and starts with the fundamental question about privilege: “How much of my world was built with me in mind?”

Her “diversity dimensions” and “iceberg model” tools are a great way to take a look at and better understand your network. I recommend this book be used within a larger learning context – such as firm-wide, division, or team book club as it offers practical information, discussion guide, and conversation starters. Jennifer leaves leaders with the charge, “Change is about action. And if you aren’t taking action, your silence is a passive acceptance of the status quo, which further perpetuates the problem.”

Happy reading.

Mask statue in a garden

Forget Imposter Syndrome and Shine

In the past few years, the focus on and conversation around imposter syndrome has grown in my network. And it’s a phrase I only hear from women. It’s gotten to a point where last Friday, over drinks with another female executive, I claimed: “I hate imposter syndrome.” And she agreed.

While at times it’s good to name the demon so you can talk about it and take it on…. it feels likes imposter syndrome keeps women stagnant. As if they can’t move forward if they don’t address it. As if there is a permanent cure for it. That at some point this feeling of not quite enough just magically goes away.

Well, if you’re learning and trying new things this sensation of not knowing “enough” will never end — and that’s a good thing! The flip side to imposter syndrome is the comfort zone, where dynamic people stay and wither.

In my career I was not “ready” to…

– Get a video news package across town and up on the satellite for national distribution … because I did not know how to hail a cab but I accepted the mission and flung up my arm like in the movies and I was off to an award-winning career as a TV news producer

– Produce a video for Coca-Cola of an event at the State Department on then Philippines’ President Corazon Aquino … but I accepted the authority my CEO put in me and duked it out with the flag protocol manager to get the best camera shot

– Discuss the accuracy of new medical illustrations with a physician specialist, especially the size and shape of the penis drawing … but I practiced the presentation (a lot) which resulted in information that helped patients learn about a new non-surgical treatment for male infertility

– Help the Army rebrand its program for severely wounded combat soldiers as I had no military connection … so I read a lot of books, got a soldier mentor, and leaned on my compassion which enabled me to have complex conversations on someone’s worst day — creating an approach and products that increased brand recognition by 35% in one year

– Design and build a communications division … but I applied what I liked and didn’t like from past personal experiences, best practices, and a dash of creativity to ultimately create 6 award-winning federal and commercial communication divisions

From all of these and other experiences I learned I was ready. I was ready “enough.” I was ready to offer something different through collaboration. I was ready to learn what happened at the “next level.” I was ready based on my knowledge, experience, creativity, passion, and grit. I was ready to move beyond fear and claim a new opportunity to apply my gifts.

Squelching imposter syndrome is about taking the pieces from various experiences and applying them together in a way that feels authentic and meets the needs of the situation. It’s about pausing to acknowledge that fear and action can co-exist. It’s about quieting down the white noise, finding the soft voice within (AKA your intuition), and boldly listening to it. It’s about saying “yes, and…” to agree with needed support or resources. It’s about accepting you are more than you think or have done — and step into an opportunity to grow.

So, to all of you wrestling with imposter syndrome, I say, put down the excuse that holds you back. Be proud of what you’ve done and seek to add to your experiences. Embrace the opportunities others think you’re ready for. Learn, leave your mark, and build your legacy as a new kind of leader.

To support your boldness, I offer up Danielle Doby’s words as it’s important to have the right kind of network to support you on your journey…

“Be around the light bringers, the magic makers, the world shifters, the game shakers.

They challenge you, break you open, uplift and expand you.

They don’t let you play small with your life.

These heartbeats are your people.

These people are your tribe.”

holding dad's hand

December 2022 Quote: “Astonish a Mean World with Your Acts of Kindness”

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For December 2022 the quote was, “My wish for you is that you continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.”

Kindness found me in 2022 thanks to Cole Baker-Bagwell. Before her, I have to admit kindness was a bit of a throw away word, like nice. It didn’t seem to say much. Then, she shared her definition for the word, “kindness is a commitment in thought, word, and action to leave everyone and everything better.” Then, I listened to her and saw how she lived the word. Then, I tried it out and kindness took shape. Here are quotes that caught my attention in December:

  • Look at the behaviors you tolerate
  • Leadership is stark. It is terrifying. In some ways, it’s the ultimate act of creativity
  • Ignite good in others
  • Keep the fire burning
  • Time under tension
  • We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are
  • God lurks in the gaps
  • It’s your story honey. Feel free to hit ‘em with a plot twist whenever you want.
  • Our soul lives in a joyous peace. We just need to get through the layers of mind and body static to find it.
  • We are responsible for our talents
  • Just start
  • Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer
  • This is my natural baseline: being at ease, spacious, and open…none of us is built to be a sprinter continuously. I am a sitter, an explorer, a guide.
  • When you cut into the present, the future leaks out
  • Inhale, “I am free to feel.” Exhale, “I will stay whole.”
  • We are all made of stardust and stories
  • Sign your name upon my heart
  • I will gather all the dusty sorrows from the attic of memory and cast them into the fires of oblivion
  • Magical wishes for your journey ahead 

Cole connected me to Magnus Wood, founder of the Kindness Corporation. Yep, it’s a thing! And how can you not get behind a movement with the tagline, “We help work suck less and business thrive more”? Especially when the average person spends more than 90,000 hours at work, or 1/3 of their life.

In October, I joined Magnus’ group of international leaders who meet weekly to learn about how kindness takes shape, what influences it, what diminishes it, and how to practice it – as well as share stories and tools. It’s a refreshing weekly treat that bolsters not just how I want to be as a person but how I can generate kindness in my professional and personal community.

I found that a key byproduct of kindness is connection, something I feel so many of us not just need, but crave. COVID, politics, loss, war, injustice, religion, and more place us in an “us/them,” “for or against” dynamic. Kindness on the other hand is not about an issue, but rather a person. How you as a person can be kind to another. It’s connectional.

Each act of kindness you demonstrate gives others options. Options on how to think about and treat those who are different. Options on how to make decisions at work that are supportive. Options on how to show up in a controversial situation. Options on how to create a new solution. Options on how to stand up for a better process. Options on how to be with others. Options on how to foster community.

While I think we start life from a state or lens of kindness, we somehow loose this as our default setting through our experiences. We second guess our innate response to be kind. It takes effort, and a bit of boldness, to rebuild your kindness muscle. But when demonstrated, kindness can feel radical for both the giver and receiver, and it’s a powerful sensation. A force for good.

I have to admit though that I like that acts of kindness feel a bit rogue in the current climate. I like that my kind-centered thinking, solutions, conversations, and actions rub against the norm. I enjoy disrupting the “mean world,” the status quo routine, and the old guard. I like the subversive change I’m generating at all levels of various organizations. I like that kindness breaks power-holds and emboldens others to be kind. I like that kindness brings about a kindness. I also like how I feel when kindness is the norm.

Here’s to the rampant spread of kindness in 2023.

Books on a shelf with picture frames

Books – December 2022

Culture by Design by David Friedman

With so much disruption in every industry during COVID times and the post-COVID resignation wave, it’s important for leaders at all levels to focus on culture. Friedman’s book is a good practical “how to” when it comes to understanding and building a culture, step by step. He stresses the necessity of the organization’s leader set and drive culture, and I agree. I’ll also add that a leader at any level can, and should, foster a team culture when the broader culture is weak or unhealthy. Culture is about clarity of expectations reinforced regularly and personally through behaviors, information, skill development, and meaningful conversations (proactively and reactively through feedback). He also stressed that when a culture remains unaddressed or toxic that self-preservation is warranted, and to leave.

Taste by Stanley Tucci

I enjoyed this on Audible as Stanley’s voice gave it an added personal feel. Listening to him recount food – especially Italian – in his life made me think of how southern food is a centerpiece of mine. I’m fortunate to have a mom who loves to give love, sympathy, and encouragement through food. So many yummy traditions passed down through handwritten recipe cards. Stanley did a great job intertwining personal stories, with recipes… much like how a musician tells you the story behind a lyric. While the recipes he shared sounded delicious, not sure I’ll go back and try to make them due to my lack of patience in the kitchen. But I was intrigued with a recipe that called for a “fuck ton of butter.”

I Wish I’d Known This: 6 Career-Accelerating Secrets for Women Leaders by Brenda Wensil and Kathryn Heath

A former boss and leadership mentor recommended this book having heard and met author Brenda over the years. I think this book has solid foundational information for emerging leaders, especially women. The book, written by seasoned leadership coaches, covered 6 blind spots many executives have such as career drift, self-awareness, and operating on autopilot—and how to address them. I appreciated their chapter on “reputationality” or as they explain, “The combination of your unique personality and your reputation. It’s how you stand out—how you leave your mark.” They also stressed the importance of building your posse, which I talk about regularly to those I mentor and do personally. In and out of your office, it’s important to have an intimate group of candid, supportive, probing, smart, passionate, and fun supporters who champion your success.

Negative Space by Lilly Dancyger

I found this book in an Audible search, and it reminds me a bit of Crying in H Mart. The author set out to learn about her father Joe Schactman, an artist, who died young after years of heroin addiction. The author weaves memories together from her life to build a story of loss, artistry, family, and growth. While the book tries to put the author’s detective story on her father front and center, it’s her own story that that fascinates me most, especially her journey from a 16-year-old high school dropout to an ivy league Master’s degree holder.

It Worked for Me by Colin Powell

I took some time to reset just before I started at a new company due to an acquisition and listened to this book, read by the author himself. I was surprised by how much this book resonated with me, and how many of the things in it I do or strive to. Perhaps I picked up more than I realized during the six years I consulted with the Army. The book was basically 44 mini podcasts, each lasting 5-10 minutes with a leadership standard, story, and rationale. Powell covered his 13 rules for how to lead, taking care of the people on your team, working in a digital world and with the media, reaching full impact, and a few reflections based on memorable relationships. He offers advice that is still relevant and needed today. 

Happy reading.

journal with columns and copy to show intention tracking

Quiet Intention

I enjoy the quiet time between Christmas and the new year. Quiet from work. Quiet by the tree. Quiet in me. The quiet often starts on Christmas Eve with a candlelight service at church and the departing hymn “Joy to the World.” A final exclamation for the year before I settle into comfy clothes and cookies for a few days of personal reflection.

During this time, I often hear myself more – or more clearly. I do less and “be” more by soaking in traditions, being more present with loved ones, and savoring a slower gear with time. I also put thought into the new year.

While I’m less about setting SMART goals (though I know they are useful), I do focus on my intention. How I want to be in the new year. What I want to put my attention to bringing about. What I want to reinforce in my sphere of influence and community. I always think about this from a positive perspective, more X rather than less Y.

I picked up this annual habit on intention setting from a former government Under Secretary and 1 star general I used to support. She would pick a word for the year, share it with her community, track what happened throughout the year related to it, and then share the outcomes the following December in a letter. It was always amazing to read what manifested in her year related to her word. Her approach for the new year was both personal and publicly accountable.

What I saw through her year-in-review intention emails, and experienced first-hand, is that intention is wildly simple but incredibly powerful. Intention typically brings more meaningful outcomes and unimaginable experiences that are bigger than what I could imagine in a SMART goal. The abundance of intention is incredible.

One year my intention was empower. Empower my team, my loved ones, my professional network, my self, my community. It was great to see how many opportunities arose each week for me to make a decision and take an action to empower, or savor when someone empowered me. The same went for my year centered on joy. For the past few years, I focused on 3 things:  create, empower, joy. Each month I setup columns with each word at the top and tracked all the things I experienced related to one of those words. I never failed to fill up a page each month of wonderous experiences, thoughtful interactions, and heart-warming memories.

While I made the decision to change my intention(s) this year, I am not sure yet if it will be to one word or a few. Maybe I’ll pick a word for different areas of my life, a professional word, a community word, and a personal word. I have a new notebook picked out to start fresh as the other one is crammed full of intentional nuggets from the past few years. Perhaps the word will be…

  • Rest (to not get over-extended)
  • Laughter (to be more playful or spontaneous)
  • Generous (to be more giving of resources—time, brain, heart, money)
  • Boundaries (to protect self, time, energy, emotions, goals)
  • Faith (to be bold in beliefs)
  • Grow (to focus on learning)
  • Health (to support physical and mental wellbeing)
  • Care (to help build connections and deeper relationships) 
  • Family (to be more present with loved ones)
  • Write (to fulfill a call)
  • Wonder (to be more open to the Universe)

I look forward to what calls to me in the quiet moments in the days ahead.

If you want to join me with intention in 2023… Write your word(s) at the top of your calendar each month so you see it each day. Make it your computer password. Say it each night before you fall asleep and before you start your day. Track anything that occurs related to your word. Celebrate meaningful occurrences. 

Then, watch it come to life!

sun rise at the beach

November 2022 Quote: “It’s Time to Test Your Limits”

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For November 2022 the quote was, “it’s time to test your limits.”

The majority of this month’s quotes came late in November. Interestingly, they really began to sprinkle in when I began setting a daily intention and give gratitude each morning before I got out of bed. Here are quotes that caught my attention in November:

  • What a blessing to outgrow your ceilings
  • Every experience creates an imprint
  • Healed people hear differently
  • Whatever makes you feel the sun from the inside out, chase that
  • Recognize people’s humanity
  • Everything that is good is wild and free
  • Enthusiasm is the force that bends reality
  • What’s your legacy?
  • Work with ease
  • Are you hunting antelope or field mice?
  • Don’t let your ice cream melt while counting somebody else’s sprinkles
  • What you appreciate… appreciates
  • May all that has been reduced to noise in you, become music again
  • If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place
  • When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and other build windmills
  • Choose the door that leads back to you
  • A bold kindness muscle
  • How can I be of service today?
  • Amplify greatness
  • The mouth speaks what the heart if full of
  • You don’t find your ground by looking for stability; You find your ground by relaxing in instability
  • So, pluck up your courage and take that risk
  • Verified magical being

As I read this list having just typed them all, I feel positive. I feel opportunity. I feel the energy of growth.

What immediately popped in my head now was how as kids we constantly grew – both in size and experiences. I was eager to get tall enough ride the big ride at the amusement park. I was eager to be old enough to stay up and watch “The Love Boat” rather than have to go to bed early (ugh, I now have the show’s theme song stuck in my head). I was eager to try out for a new role in the community theater. I was eager to head off to summer camp to cook on a campfire and make new friends. Newness was a sought-after adventure laced with the thrill of joy.

Then somewhere, somehow, safety came into play. Being practical became a thing. Responsibility took hold and my Phoebe-like run toward the next new opportunity stalled and became a cautious stroll.

What I’ve begun to realize… or rather remember, is that growth is where the magic is. The magic of wonder, of anticipation, of play, of adrenaline, of silliness, of healing, of the unknown, of clarity, and of possibility. Growth (aka change), with all it scrapes, scars and successes, is where the indelible memories are. To continue to grow as a person, a coworker, a partner, a family member, a friend, requires that we test our limits.

We all have limits. Some rest on the surface others so buried and baked in we don’t know they are there. Limits on how we see our abilities… our bodies…  our career… our friends… our health… our money… our faith… our partners…our love… our potential.  

Testing our limits is where we are forged. It’s where we continue to take shape.

As I think of my limits – and testing them – I already feel parts of me tightening in anticipation of the failure, the fall. Bracing. My head takes hold of my heart keeping me “safe” from harm, away from adventure, and stagnant.

What I am starting to understand is that testing our limits as adults might not be as dramatic or carefree as when we were kids on a bike cruising the neighborhood, but it’s no less daring, exciting, informing, or fun. Our growth might be more refined – more nuanced – as we age, but it’s no less impactful.

Testing a limit can be as simple as inviting a new coworker to lunch, taking a meal to a neighbor, volunteering for a new cause, inviting someone to join you at church, taking an art class, taking time to really learn how to pronounce someone’s name, doing your first 3 minute meditation, getting fitted for running shoes to walk your first 5K, making a medical appointment for what scares you, reading a book on racism, taking ownership of your financial health, starting meatless Mondays, or saying no.

The jolt of joy that is sparked in that moment of action (which for me is usually proceeded by a slight wave of nausea or quickening of my heartbeat), gives just enough of a sense of accomplishment that we take another step forward. Each action we take to test limits and move forward gives us more understanding, confidence, and line of sight as to where to go next.

To move beyond who we are today.

finger points to a Snickers candy bar

Workplace Kindness with a Snickers

Well, there I was in my weekly “workplace kindness” online session shoveling in lunch during an on camera global zoom call. It was all well and good… folks sharing unkind work examples, realizations, and tips and then moderator Magnus Wood lobbed out the question about experiences with unkind managers. I took myself off mute … and shared it was me.

I shared that a teammate taught me a valuable lesson. He’d come by my office cube, papers in hand, and sheepishly ask, “Have you eaten?” Another time he asked, “Do you need a Snickers?”  After a few of these, I finally realized he was checking my state. Hungry and bitey or good to go. But this wasn’t just a lunch time question but more of a quick litmus test any time of day.

He helped me realize the impact of my mood — state of mind, energy level, presence — had on others. I was all good… until I wasn’t. I used his clue to change. Change my calendar. Change my awareness. Change how I handle “drive by” interruptions. Change my commitment to lunch.

I now offer up the code word “Snickers” to my teams, especially my deputies, to use to not so subtly get my attention about my bad manager or leader behavior. It gives them a simple tool to hold me accountable when there’s a power imbalance … and it usually ends in a laugh. As soon as they say the word, I know and can reset.

While I strive to be a thoughtful, kind manager, I’ve had my less than stellar moments. I know my knee jerk reactions get the best of me. I know my crowded schedule pushes me to plow ahead when I should pause. I know I need to talk less and listen more. I know my confident tone can diminish others from speaking up.

Because of this, I use a few tools to create a more kind work environment that include:

  • I come into virtual meetings on camera to chat pre-meeting and demonstrate my active presence
  • A project launch slide on “what you can expect from me” commitment (part warning of what sets me off because it’s a high-value item to me and part promise of what I do for them)… and I ask what each person needs to succeed
  • Standing 1:1 monthly meeting with each person on my team to talk about their agenda topics, work or personal items
  • Encourage the use of cat memes to share good or problematic news
  • Stress the use their Outlook calendar to block time for every key activity, from meetings and research to training and lunch as this helps them understand how much effort it takes to complete work and everyone understands their availability
  • I don’t schedule meetings from Noon-1 and support Friday afternoon quite hours so teams have common times with which to recharge
  • Use “???” when editing so folks can separate necessary changes from food for thought … and demonstrate I don’t have all the answers
  • Apologize when wrong… not to long ago I shared with a 25 person team how I was wrong and shared the email I wrote to the client accepting responsibility
  • I ask for feedback, and also offer that if anyone feels uncomfortable giving it to me, they should share it with my deputy who’ll aggregate it and bring it to me

With experience I’m able to fend off some of my flair ups. I constantly integrate new techniques to see what helps the team enjoy work more and connect as a team. I try to pause more and provide support that helps levels things out – such as coaching a new graduate on corporate introductions or talking budget and corporate finance who someone who doesn’t fit the majority demographic.

But I know I am, and always will be, a work in progress who on occasion needs a Snickers to settle down.

Tree that has half red leaves and half green leaves

October 2022 Quote: “Change Your Leaves, Keep Intact Your Roots”

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For October 2022 the quote was, “Change your leaves, keep intact your roots” by Victor Hugo.

After doing this mindful quote practice for more nearly two years, it still surprises me how much the quote I pick for the following month rings so true and offers the space for the reflection I didn’t know I needed. Here are quotes that caught my attention in October:

  • Permission to adjust
  • Pay attention to the invitation
  • Faith over fear
  • A feast of joy
  • What is really true?
  • Everything is ordinary and extraordinary
  • You were born for a time such as this
  • Amplify belief
  • The ability to manifest choice
  • You will make this change a blessing
  • Seeds of awareness
  • Allow what blooms to bloom
  • What is the expression of what comes through you?
  • Cultural humility
  • Ready, relevant, and reliable
  • You can’t give it if you don’t have it
  • Unlikely collaborators
  • Whatever is, is welcome
  • Walking in an answered prayer

I love that October is my birthday month. The fall aways speaks to me. When I stand outside, breathe in the crisp air, and see the trees’ colorful transformation I feel my most grounded. Like all is right with the world, with me, and I get charged – or rather recharged – for another year of living.

This recharge comes from reflection. The month is a big annual check-in for me based on the simple question: How am I?  This reflective question, conversations with loved ones, meditation, and experiences throughout the month (both professional and personal) brought forward gratitude, restlessness, joy, exhaustion, and possibility.  

In October…

I stepped away from a lot at work… and it was OK. In fact, it was freeing. Stopping the habitual grind and the self-imposed expectations is giving me space to determine what I want to do with my expertise, passion, and gifts. I did (and do) feel a bit untethered but I am getting more comfortable with the open space as I see what it is making room for.

I focused on mindfulness at a two-day conference with a best friend… and found emotional release. As I stepped on to the elevator with my friend following a morning meditation practice, she calmly stated, “I think I had a meditation orgasm” just as a random guy walked on. Awkward silence (with us stifling our laughter) for the ride down 12 floors. As the doors opened, the man calmly turned to us as he walked out and stated with a smile, “I might need to look into meditation” and walked away. I hurt from the delightful laughter that followed. Then later, tears poured down my face as I participated in a meditation with the guide playing his cello as he led us in a body scan. My body shedding its pain, fear, anger, loss, and worry like a tree dropping its fall leaves – making it possible to grow a new.

I shared more candidly and authentically in old and forming relationships… and savored the deeper connectivity real conversations generate. I shared how I was struggling. I shared hard choices. I shared concerns. I shared personal nuggets normally protected till more trust was in place. I asked more personal questions. I listened without multitasking. I re-discovered the core truth that we are all more alike than we ever want to admit. I also savored how comforting it is to connect more personally.

I began each day with a prayer – a whisper to God about those in my world who could use a boost… and loved the feeling of starting a ripple of love in the universe for those I cherish.

The month left me feeling more grounded. My roots intact in solid ground and nourished. It also left me with unanswered questions for discovery in the coming year. And I welcome the journey to come.

monster blows out candles on birthday cake and icing covers other person

Birthday Wish

I love birthdays. A day where each person is celebrated simply for arriving in life. Aging has not diminished this joy. In fact, it’s illuminated the blessing of a birthday and another year. Another year with those I love. Another year growing. Another year laughing. Another year witness to heartbreak. Another year contributing. Another year of wonders. Another year part of community. Another year of gratitude.

I view my birthday as my own January 1st. New Year’s Day… Emily style. I fill both the day – and actually the month – with people and things that feed my soul and put me in the best state to start my new year. This year included time with my parents eating birthday cake (my grandmother’s fruit cocktail cake recipe to be exact), a two-day mindful leader summit with a best friend, a spa pedicure, a mindful walk soaking up the colors of my season on tree leaves, Orange Theory Fitness‘ “Hell Week,” a few more long calls with far away friends, a little more reflective quiet time, a stack of Halloween cards sent to loved ones, a haircut, new yarn for the next knitted baby blanket gift, time reading, and a favorite dinner with ice cream to follow. Nothing fancy but fulfilling.  

As I get still and listen, here is what my heart speaks…

  • Find the people in this world who care for, accept, inspire, and support you – hold them tight and connect them with others in your circle to build a meaningful community
  • Make space for you in your life – be purposeful in how you spend time on things that recharge you, you’re worth it
  • Build a relationship with the universe – for me this is Sunday morning in the church chapel, walks in nature, meditation, and written prayers; the connection to something bigger gives much needed perspective
  • Stretch yourself – through books, classes, conversations, music, and differing ideas, as we should not remain contained within the same limited beliefs year over year and decade over decade of our life
  • Bring joy into your life and those of others – dance in your kitchen as you make dinner, be silly with a young child, share your gratitude, hold a hug 10 seconds longer, sing at the top of your lungs with the windows down on a sunny day, send flowers to a loved one, text “you’re on my mind and I love you,” or drop off a pie
  • Give what you can to those in need – we all need help

My birthday wish is to embrace more of all of these things in my new year… and am grateful for the time to do so.